Family Feedback
===
[00:00:00] Hi, friends. It's Katy with Raising Faithful Families. This isn't a topic that I was planning to talk about right now. It's not one that was on my list or one that I have a script and outline or even bullet points to go over with you. It's just something that I wanted to share today, and maybe it's something that you needed to hear.
So, 1 opinion that I hold in parenting is that it is so important and so valuable that To have an open line of communication where you are receptive and even inquisitive about your children's feedback when it comes to your parenting. Now, by no means do I think that your children should be running your family and that they should get to make the decisions about how they are parented and disciplined and guided and all of that because they don't have the knowledge and the bigger picture that you have.
But we are also imperfect. We are also human. We are also learning as we go. And no matter how many children [00:01:00] you've raised, every single one of them are different and you have to shift your approach for every single one of them to have the effective outcomes that you're aiming for and the type of bonds with them that last a lifetime that you desire.
So how do we do that? I like to think of that. From a leadership perspective, I think leadership skills translate perfectly and entirely into parenting skills. So, as a leader, when you have a team of people, every single 1 of them is different. And some of them may align better with your leadership approach than others do, but either way, you have open lines of communication with the people on your team.
And you should have open lines of communication with the people in your family. So when you have a team, one thing that I like to do with my team is monthly meetings, at least monthly, they can be more often than this. And with a family, they probably should be, but Even when [00:02:00] sometimes we fall into this like toxic mindset of if I can't change something, then what's the point of having a conversation about it, you know?
So if you know that you cannot change a policy, why ask someone's opinion on that policy, right? Well, it matters. It matters a lot because their opinion lets them know that you care how they feel and you care how they think. And when you are aware of the way that someone thinks and how they feel, there's also a lot of times when you can do more about it and you can shift more for it than you think, more than you realize.
So you may not be able to change the entire policy, but maybe you can change the way that you present it to your team. Maybe you can add more details. Maybe there was one thing that required a little bit of clarity. And now they feel complete peace of mind where before they were super confused or super concerned [00:03:00] with your family.
I like to ask, how could I be a better mom? What is it? Is there anything I do that you don't like? And maybe I can't change what I do that they don't like, but I can readjust my approach a little bit. So one example, my son, he's four. And so I asked him once if there was anything I do. That he doesn't like.
Is there any way I could be a better mom? With a little kid, you can get an answer, but you have to shift the way that you ask it a few different ways until it clicks. And they kind of understand what you're asking. So, one thing that he told me is he doesn't like when I take his toys from him. And what he's referring to is like, let's say we have to wrap up what we're doing and move on to the next thing.
We have to leave the house right now, and he's too busy playing with his toy to focus. He's distracted, right? So, if you're distracted You're not following directions very well, especially at that age, or he's in the car and I need him to [00:04:00] get out of the car, but he's not pausing his tablet or he's not putting his toy down.
So, 1 thing that I would fall into is I'm in a hurry and I would just take the toy because I know if you take the toy, they're going to hear you. They're listening to you now because they're not distracted by losing that toy. And then you can have it back as soon as we get to whatever we're doing next.
But he told me he really doesn't like that. So I was able to think about that and realize, yes, I still have to make you focus and follow directions in those moments. Those are moments where there's no other choice and I don't have 10 minutes to negotiate with you, nor do I feel like we should have to spend that time negotiating with our children because we are the parent.
But what I can do is before I do that, I can add a pre step. I can add a step where I make sure he's eye contact with me when I say what I need him to do. When I say, hey buddy, I need you to put that toy down for just a second and get out of the car. Because [00:05:00] 99 percent of the time when I take that time to make sure that he's hearing me because I'm making eye contact with him and I'm spelling it out for him very clearly what I need him to do and when he's going to do it.
And if not, I can say, do it now, or I'm going to take that toy and he will listen. But. That means so much to him. It's not an approach that I ever would have thought this even matters to address. This even matters to change. It works, right? So just because it works doesn't mean that it doesn't make someone that you love feel disrespected or feel like they're not seen or heard or valued.
So take the time to ask the people in your life. Is there any way that I can tailor the way that I do something that would make you feel more love, more valued, more heard, more seen? Maybe with a teenager, this is before you [00:06:00] just take their phone because they've done something wrong or before you ground them because they've done something wrong, you really spend some time having a deep conversation with them where they explain their perspective.
They may still have consequences and they probably should still have consequences for whatever it is that's upset you. But A lot of times they aren't going to learn their lesson. If they don't feel like you understand them in the 1st place. So, if you're punishing them, but you never took the time to see their perspective, you're not really changing what it was that led to that mistake in the 1st place.
And if you want to prevent future mistakes. Then you need to understand what led to them making this choice in the first place and then help guide them into how to make a better choice next time. You cannot do that without understanding their perspective. So literally sit down with them and ask. Walk me [00:07:00] through your mindset.
Walk me through what led you here. What made you choose that? How could you have chosen differently? If you find yourself in this situation again in the future, what will you do differently? And I guarantee that they'll feel more heard, seen, and valued by you. But not only that, it will have more of an impact and more of an effect on what they choose to do differently next time.
And you may find that there are little, simple, easily changeable things that you're doing in the way that you show up in the way you treat the people that you love that can shift the way that they show up in response and the person that they are and have better, healthier, more long lasting relationships with them as a result.
That's all. I hope that was helpful. And I pray you have a lovely day.
