Sibling Rivalry
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[00:00:00] Welcome back to another episode where we have Alicia Bennett interviewing today, and she is going to share with us as a mother of four, what, how to navigate sibling rivalry. This is something that my followers or my clients often struggle with, often are just in the thick of this season with the children fighting Sometimes this continues all the way into adulthood and it can be really challenging for us when we want to approach our family as a team that works together and gets along and has peace and harmony.
So stick around today for some great strategies and just some relatable conversations about what you're going through and how to navigate through it.
Do you want to create peace in your home and be the best parent you possibly can be? Are you ready to feel confident and clear in your decisions? Do you wish you could navigate conflicts and challenges calmly and effectively? Well, there's a way to overcome the roadblocks that are standing between you and the family life you've prayed for, so that you can create [00:01:00] consistent routines, find fulfillment and balance, and thrive in your life and family.
Hi friends, I'm Katie Bordeaux, host of Raising Faithful Families, founder of Covenant Collections Christian Parenting Company, and a certified parenting and family coach. In this podcast, I'll guide you on how to find balance and fulfillment without adding stress or sacrificing precious time, create peace in your home, become the parent God has called you to be, strengthen your connection with God and with your family, navigate life using biblical wisdom and Christian values.
And experience growth spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and practically as a parent and as an individual. I'm here to help your family be its best for each other so that you can be your best for the kingdom of God. It's time to create a home filled with love, faith, and true joy. Let's thrive together with God at the center every step of the way.
I pray this blesses you. Let's get started.[00:02:00]
All right. I'm very happy to have you back on the show and I'd love to have you introduce yourself again to anyone that may not be familiar with you and share a bit about what you do.
Yeah. Thanks for having me back on Katy. , my name is Alicia Bennett and, um, I'm a mom of four boys ages. 14 down to almost six. Yeah, four boys. And so this topic that we're going to be talking about today, I think it will be, so relevant. It's definitely, as we were talking beforehand, , sibling rivalry in my house is, is thick.
It's thick. Boys are competitive and to have all boys, they're just, they like to push each other's buttons. Yeah, it's it's a it's an ongoing topic here. But yeah, anyway, so a little bit about more about me, I guess, on on social media, you can find me as mobilize your mom. I have a blog under the same name mobilize your mom dot com.
And I just have a passion for helping moms get to the root of their own identity in Christ so that [00:03:00] they can really parent from a place of overflow of knowing who's they are and who they are in Jesus so that they can then overflow to their kids and disciple and raise up the next generation, of, of bold and courageous kids for Jesus.
So it's, I think it starts with the mom because fam so much of the heart of the home. Is the mom. , and so when the mom is hurting, when the mom is struggling, when the mom has some, was believing lies or is having mindset challenges or stuck in victim mentality, um, that will overflow into the rest of the family culture.
And so, , so I work one on one as a coach with moms to help them get to the root of why they are wrestling in their motherhood and then helping them turn around and, um, be the, become the mom that they want to be. For their family and to change their family culture. So that's a little bit about me. But yeah, let's talk about sibling rivalry.
Awesome. And that's great. So it's always interesting to me what types of things kids can [00:04:00] find to argue about. I once had two little boys in front of me who were so very different heights. Like one was about a foot higher than the other, and they were fighting about who was taller. And it's hard to mediate something like that because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it's like, why are you arguing about this right now?
So a lot of parents struggle with this. It's something that comes up for my clients and my followers quite often. So first, let's just acknowledge the reality of that, right? Do you feel like it's fair to say that sibling drama or sibling rivalry is an unavoidable part of the puzzle for parents or is there hope in overcoming it completely?
Oh, I think that that is exactly it. It is unavoidable. And if we can Simply acknowledge that truth. I think, I think that's the first step as parents to recognize that we are human and our sin nature is. It's there. It's there. Like kids wear it [00:05:00] on their sleeves. We wear it. We adults, we just learned to mask it a little bit better.
And so if we live in a household with other humans that also have said nature, we are going to have conflict that's unavoidable. I, and I think, I think ultimately if you have the right mindset about it, you can, you, you, you come at it differently. So if you see it as unavoidable, um, and as something.
That will happen. You come at it with more of a problem solving, even compassionate, conversation verse versus like, just stop, just stop fighting. Just stop fighting. Just stop fighting. Yeah, so we're human and where there's sin, there's conflict. I think that's helpful, especially like you can think back to biblical support for sibling rivalry.
Yeah. Well, sometimes that it's not that bad in your home. Yeah. So it can be tough for parents. [00:06:00] I know for my mom, especially, it was always tough for her because in her mind, she had this vision of having multiple children means that they're a team and they're built in best friends for life. And me and my sister for years, we're like, Enemies, you would think.
So sometimes that's the hardest thing for parents. I feel like it's just that vision of what they imagined having multiple Children would be like, it's not giving the Children what you wanted it to. And that can be tough, which is a mindset issue as well. Do you feel like this expectation contributes to the mental struggle and disappointment that parents feel when it doesn't look like that?
Well, yeah, it's kind of like what we talked about in our last podcast about like having an unspoken goal or even a spoken goal that isn't being met, , is really. It's really challenging for everyone in the home, right? If you, if you don't have a spoken goal, then everyone's kind of left wondering, well, what is the goal?
And if you do have that [00:07:00] spoken goal of the siblings are going to be best friends, , their, their team, , maybe even I, I've talked to parents that are like, I just, I just want peace and harmony in my home. And I have to challenge them. Is that really a good goal? Is that really a realistic goal?
Because they're, they're humans and they're people and they have personalities, they have likes and dislikes. And so to expect your kids to be best friends, I don't think it's not realistic in the sense of like, you, nobody likes to be forced into a friendship or a relationship, right? Like you don't go to, when you were a kid and you went to school, you, if someone tried to force you to be their friend, like sometimes you were like, eh, like.
No, thank you. Like, it almost made, I think, kids push against that relationship more when they feel like it's forced on them. I do overall like the, the term of teamwork because on a team, there's [00:08:00] different people doing different aspects. There's people where you can still work together and not like each other, right?
Absolutely. So, so like to answer your, to answer specifically like that question, kids don't like to be forced into relationships and having wrong expectations sets you up for just challenges, mindset challenges, missed expectations. But ultimately I think, Yeah, it's like the unrealistic expectations is really the root of the problem.
Because if we can change our expectations, we can change our outcome. And we will respond differently when we, when we have a different mindset, I think about. What sibling relationships can look like and and I'll even venture to say should look like because siblings are really like I challenge my clients to consider that every moment is a discipleship moment.
So when you have sibling conflict. That's [00:09:00] discipleship moment. You're teaching them. You have the opportunity to teach them conflict resolution. That's the first and foremost place that they will learn it. Yeah, so that is an opportunity to teach conflict resolution. So when it's hard, I totally get it.
It's hard as a parent when you're in the middle of making dinner and you don't want to have to stop what you're doing to go and deal with these kids who just seem to be fighting over the same thing over and over and over and over again. And I, and like, there's moments when you do just need to stop, like, you just need to get them separated and, and there's, you know, a quick, there just needs to be a quick fix occasionally.
But if you aren't getting in there and teaching them conflict resolution, you're ultimately teaching them conflict avoidance, which is the kind of adults. They'll become, you know, challenging and that's probably going to rub, especially us, the adults that are listening, that are conflict avoiders. That's going to be even harder for them to hear [00:10:00] that because they grew up not knowing how to solve conflict.
And now they have to turn around and figure out how to teach someone how to solve conflict. , so, but, but that is, siblings are the very first place where you learn that skill. It's the best place to learn that skill. They need when people, adults need that skill. So that's a really good point. Your childhood is where you develop all those tools that you're going to be able to use for your entire adulthood.
So you're setting them up for success and it might be a struggle for you, but you're helping them for the rest of their lives and we learn a lot through teaching as well, so that's great. Sure. Can you share a bit about what this looks like in your home with your four boys? Like, what, have you noticed any specific areas that cause more conflict than others?
It's not necessarily areas. Well, let me say, yeah, they fight. They fight a lot and argue and push and shove. We've got all, [00:11:00] all the things. But honestly, what I see is it's not necessarily a specific area as it is a maturity And skill a bit like skill abilities that they have learned. So for us. I have seen our conflict with our boys, they kind of peaks in elementary school.
This has just been our experience. And maybe because we have spent the time in elementary school to work on those relationships. Cause so my older two are in middle school now, and they used to fight like cats and dogs when they were in elementary school, they shared a room and they, their personalities are very different.
And yeah, it was like cats and dogs fighting in elementary school. But now that they are both in middle school, , they, it's not that they're best friends, but the things that they like, they do together. And the things that they don't like, they don't do together. And I just, it seems like they just have kind of figured each other out.
Um, as well as. They [00:12:00] just have more relationship skills. They know that they don't have to play with this sibling to do this or to do that. Like they just, they know how to talk to each other. They're more mature. And then my younger two, they're right in the thick in the middle of constantly fighting.
They're both in elementary school and they're just, In the thick of it right now. And I have to remind myself, okay, got to spend the time with those two. Like I did with the older two to teach them how to have empathy and compassion. , basically just reminding myself that the goal isn't peace or perfection or even harmony.
The goal is discipleship and to give them those relationship skills. So, Obviously, there's there's circumstances where if there's a lot of conflict in a certain area, it tends to be one child or the other is needing something, and they don't know how to verbalize that they don't know how to express that.
They're needing attention from mom or dad or affirmation or their feet, or [00:13:00] maybe, something negative happened at school today. So they're lashing out at their sibling. Like you, it, you know, All of those things come under the realm of teaching your kid conflict resolution and helping them understand emotionally what's going on with them, teaching them empathy.
There's a lot to it. For at least in our house, we have seen it peak. In elementary school, and then it's gotten a lot better in middle school with my older two, like, they, they actually play games together, they're nice to each other, it's, they chat, and they still share a room, and they, and they chat, you know, into the evening, into the night when they're supposed to be sleeping, and that's fine.
It's, it's nice to now see the growth and maturity that we've been able to see in the, in the older two with the work, but it is a lot of work. So let's, that's a good segue into the next one. The parents that are in the thick of it. And they want some [00:14:00] advice. What are your top strategies that parents can actually implement right away to start reducing the sibling rivalry and maybe not create perfect peace, but get a little more peace and a little more conflict resolution in their homes.
Yeah. Honestly, I'm going to say it really starts with our own attitude and how we are approaching as parents, how we're approaching the conflict. And, and coming with the heart of how can I disciple them in this current moment? How can I not just put a band aid stamp, a band aid on it, send them on their way so that there's, quote, peace, at least there's no bickering and fighting in that, in that exact moment.
So that you have a, a. Semblance of quiet and peace, but it's not really they're underlying. You haven't taught them anything to send them out to be able to resolve conflict in the future. Right? So, like I said, earlier, like. The discipleship method, [00:15:00] it takes time and there are definitely situations and moments when you just don't have that time.
So an example is like when my boys are fighting over a toy and they're both grabbing it, they're both yelling, they're both like mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, like I may intervene and take the toy and put it away. Until they calm down or until I can get them calm down to have a conversation. There are moments when I just need to remove them from the situation.
And I, and I can't deal with the discipleship in that moment, right? Maybe it needs to happen after dinner. Maybe it needs to happen. They need to be separated. Like there's, there's. So I just want to like caveat that by saying like, there are, there are times when you just need to. Separate them, separate them, right?
Time when like, especially if you're seeing one kid, like it's starting to fume and you're like, Oh, he's going to blow, he's going to blow, like, get out of here, everyone leave, like he needs to calm down, you [00:16:00] know, you're, you know, your kids and how your kid, like kids wear their emotions on their sleeves.
So just watching that. But ultimately I think it comes from, it starts with parents approaching conflict. as a discipleship moment. Okay, how can I disciple them? What do I need to teach them in this moment instead of allowing the conflict and the yelling or the shouting or whatever's going on to trigger us Right.
Like it's, it's much easier to just allow our emotions to be added to their emotions. And then everyone's like snowballing emotions. And we're, that's like when we feel triggered and we just react. So if we can, from the beginning, look at, okay, how, what do I need to teach them? What, how do I need to disciple them in this moment allows us to shift out of the, like being triggered with our emotions into problem solving.
Engagement trying to get to the root of, okay, why [00:17:00] is this child want this toy now? Like that's a baby toy. Why is he suddenly wanting it now? What's going on? And then dynamic of the situation instead of just like it emotionally erupting and going, what? You know, like, and I've done both of them. So there's grace for all of us in it, but it's, I think when I can stay in the place of how can I approach this as a discipleship moment, what skills do I need to teach and what skills do I need to learn myself so that I can teach them?
To help resolve the conflict. Yeah. So let me just look at my notes. , just get back on track. So, okay. So back to the example, if my 2 boys are fighting over a toy and they're both grabbing it, yelling and demanding my, my, my, I might intervene and take the toy and put it away for the moment because right out of sight out of mind.
, but ultimately I want my kids to learn conflict resolution skills. So [00:18:00] they, I don't want them to just learn when we fight mom comes and takes it away because you know that there are some kids out there that are like, well, I'm going to fight with it about this toy just so he won't play with it.
Right. I think I was that kid. , so ideally I might put that toy away, but then I'm going to sit and have a conversation with the boys. Sometimes it needs to be separate. If I need to help them first calm down emotionally and get to a place where we can have a conversation, , with littler ones, like three, four year olds physically holding them.
I'm really, that's like a, the example that I use with my clients is, it's kind of like a skin to skin with baby helps regulate their temperature, skin to skin with little, especially particularly little kids, helps regulate their emotions. So you're showing them how to emotionally regulate their emotions.
By holding them. I don't mean like, like, , arm wrestling and not, not arm wrestling, but like straight jacket, holding them. [00:19:00] Although sometimes you need like to really help them calm down, like teaching them those emotional regulation skills is all part of this. But getting them to a place where you can have a conversation and maybe we need to rewind.
And practice the situation again, um, right? And, and, and the result would be getting the toy back if they're able to have a conversation back, back and forth where, you know, okay, well, maybe you needed to say, may I please have the toy and this one brother needs to say, well, I'm playing with it right now.
And then I could say. And then I would suggest, why don't you tell him he can play with it in five minutes? Yeah. Oh, okay. You know, and then they're both like, oh, okay, well now we're going to figure out how to compromise, right. And share skills. , other skills that are taught are like, , empathy and compassion, right.
Seeing someone else's perspective, ultimately saying forgiveness. If someone, , you [00:20:00] know, hits their brother because they wouldn't give them the toy. Well, okay. You, you send in that so you need to say, I'm sorry for hitting you. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me like a conversation back and forth?
Like, you're mimicking it out for them. You're instructing them in that moment. I don't know about you, but it's that those are skills that I want my kids to leave my house with. I don't, I don't want them to be conflict avoiders. I want them to know and have some experience with wrestling in and sitting in those skills, understanding what's going on and a bigger picture.
Yeah, we're, we're ultimately as parents, we're, we're giving our kids. Conflict skills. Like we're giving them skills either as a conflict avoider or skills to be able to have a conversation and to get to what's really going on. And then obviously if one of the kids is, um, constantly [00:21:00] pushing buttons and constantly, , fighting with his sibling, then that might mean you might need to pull that child aside and be like, what's really going on here?
And of course the younger kids, they may not know. Like you can push in and ask them about their day. You can push them and ask them about what's happening with their friends or ask them, you know, like ask questions to try to get to the heart of why if it's just, it seems to be like one child always, always being the instigator, then maybe there's a reason there is always a reason for that.
And so you try to try to understand why. And of course you can ask the Lord to reveal that to you as, as a parent to, , It's, it's hard. Like I said, with four boys, we are in the thick of it with the younger two right now, they fight all the time. And it's challenging, challenging to stay in that mindset of it's a discipleship moment.
How can I [00:22:00] teach them skills in this moment? Age appropriate skills. And some of it is just recognizing that like, My six year old can't grasp some of those skills yet, so I have to keep going over them with him over and over and over again until he's mature enough to, to practice and do them himself. It just takes time and it's hard and I get it.
That's such good advice. I like your example because I think a lot of times I think our kids are largely capable of more than they're giving credit for a lot of times. And it's not because, I mean, they show us they don't necessarily know the big picture. But once you come in and you explain the big picture to them, just because you don't win right now or you don't get your way right now, doesn't mean in five minutes you couldn't have that toy.
And then seeing how simple that is sometimes, like once you, once you break it down, you zoom out for them. They get it. So [00:23:00] you can just lead them. It's a leadership. You're just leading them and discipling them to concepts that they truly do understand. They just don't have that like neural connection from here to there yet.
Yeah, you get to build those over time. Yeah, I think it's most challenging when you have an emotionally immature child who just is going to emotionally erupt and not really understand where those emotions are coming from and then trying it. So there's also a lot of emotional intelligence, emotional regulation skills that are taught in those younger ages.
tHat is like, in addition to let's share, let's understand the whole situation. Like, yeah. Yeah. And so it just, the emotional, I call it emotional intelligence. The emotional like piece of it is another piece, , that just takes a lot of time, especially with [00:24:00] the younger ones. Right. Well, thank you. It's been another amazing episode having you on Raising Faithful Families.
How can our audience connect with you if they want to follow you on your journey? Yeah, thanks. , so I'm active on Instagram at MobilizerMom, so you can follow me there. I have a whole lot of highlights on parenting tips, , baby tips, traveling, sibling rivalry, , All up that I have saved up on that.
So that's a great place. , if you want to dig deeper into sibling rivalry and talk more about it, like find my highlight on sibling rivalry. And then I also blog on my blog at mobilizeyourmom. com and you, um, I encourage everyone to go over there and subscribe if you want to. , I've got parenting tips there, family, free family, devotional type resources.
, And yeah, all sorts of stuff on motherhood and raising, raising the next generation. So thank you. And I'll also link those [00:25:00] below. So I appreciate you coming on. Thank you so much, Alicia.
I hope this episode was valuable for you, and I pray you're walking away with a new insight, perspective, or idea to implement as you move forward. Remember that God makes everything we truly need available to us. And the life you've prayed for is just waiting for you to take the next step If you enjoy this podcast Please subscribe and leave us a review so that we can continue showing up and reaching families who need this message Until next time take care and stay blessed.
Thanks for listening
