Audio Lucy
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[00:00:00] Hi, friends. I'm Katy Bordeaux. I'm the founder of Covenant Collections and your host of Raising Faithful Families. Today, we're going to speak with Lucy Martin. She's the owner of Easy Biblical Marriage, and she's going to share some insight with us on how much power a woman truly has in her marriage, how to implement biblical advice to transform her relationship for the better, and why that is so important for your children.
Stick around, there's so much good information packed inside of this episode. Do you want to create peace in your home and be the best parent you possibly can be? Are you ready to feel confident and clear in your decisions? Do you wish you could navigate conflicts and challenges Calmly and effectively.
Well, there's a way to overcome the roadblocks that are standing between you and the family life you've prayed for so that you can create consistent routines, find fulfillment and balance and thrive [00:01:00] in your life and family. Hi friends, I'm Katy Bordeaux, host of Raising Faithful Families, founder of Covenant Collections Christian Parenting Company, and a certified parenting and family coach.
In this podcast, I'll guide you on how to find balance and fulfillment without adding stress or sacrificing precious time, create peace in your home, become the parent God has called you to be, strengthen your connection with God and with your family, navigate life using biblical wisdom and Christian values.
And experience growth spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and practically as a parent and as an individual. I'm here to help your family be its best for each other so that you can be your best for the kingdom of God. It's time to create a home filled with love, faith, and true joy. Let's thrive together with God at the center every step of the way.
I pray this blesses you. Let's get started. Hi Lucy, how are you doing today? [00:02:00] I'm doing great. I'm so glad to be here. We're so happy to have you on. So I want to have you start by telling the audience who you are, what you do and share a bit of your story. Yeah, absolutely. So I'm Lucy Martin. I'm a licensed clinical social worker here in Maine.
And I am also a certified Lord own relationship coach. So what I, what I do is I help women, um, fall in love with their lives, their husbands and Jesus. Um, Just because I, I say I am Jesus because a lot of times, um, when women are really struggling in their marriages, I find that it can really kind of distract and take away from their relationship with the Lord.
So they tend to tell me that they, um, feel closer to Jesus through the process of, you know, of, uh, restoring their marriage. It's been a really interesting [00:03:00] journey. Um, so it's always like where to start because, um, as you know, I was married for 12 years in my first marriage and I would say just as an overall picture of that, that, um, my experience of that marriage was that my husband, who's now my ex husband was, um, kind of tearing the relationship down with his hands.
But now that I can, now that I see, I can see my side of it more clearly. I can see the part that I played in tearing it down. Um, and so I have two children from that marriage. And kind of a lot, um, I could say about that, but one of the things I'll say is that, um, the Lord has really restored my relationship with him to the point where I, you know, I can easily imagine that I could have stayed happily married to him.
And that's [00:04:00] like, he had multiple different mental health providers telling him he had narcissistic personality disorder and all of these things. And so, um, it's just really, you know, that's. A really interesting, um, thing to reflect on at this point. So we got divorced in 2017, and then, um, I was single for a while, and really during that time, like right before I got divorced was when I was saved.
And really Dove in, um, like to being, you know, I dove in, got baptized at the beach and, uh, was really like on fire for Jesus, just always like doing the worship team right away. Like I was always in the church kind of thing. And that was really what Kate kept me sane and restored my heart when I was single.
Cause they also had a really difficult relationship when I was single. Um, and so. [00:05:00] Um, when I had kind of been restored, um, and, and like, in that sense of like, just being in the church building so much, and God has been really healing me from all those things that had happened, um, I started courting my husband who lived four and a half hours north of me, and we had, you know, a courtship where we were like meeting up halfway.
And what I really want to say about the early years of my marriage is that I, um, I started scaring myself because I started to realize that my current marriage was reminding me a lot of my first marriage, even though they were two such different men, even though my current husband is not someone who is doing the same.
Um, problematic behaviors as my first, my first husband had some, like, I don't want to tell too much of his story publicly, but he had [00:06:00] some behaviors that would be very troubling to any wife. Um, but, like, um, my current husband wasn't doing those things. And yet I was still, I latched on to something else, which was his smoking, which hadn't bothered me when we were dating.
But as soon as we started to, like, embark on parenthood together. And, you know, got pregnant with our first child together, and we were also parenting my older children together. Um, his smoking started to bother me to the point where I was like obsessed. And I would like drag him to the pastor, drag him to the doctor, like I, I was like, oh, there's this going to be this hypnotist.
And like, so I was trying to fix him and he would tell me, like, I just need some space. Like, I do want to quit. I'm going to figure it out. Like, I need some space. You're stressing me out making worse. He would tell me that, but I couldn't, and I knew that I knew he was right, but like, couldn't stop. And that's when I sort of started to see, [00:07:00] like, oh, like, maybe I'm part of the issue, like this kind of controlling nature.
And so, um, that was when I, like, I got in touch with a bunch of marriage counselors. I read or a bunch of marriage books and, um, like all, what's really interesting about that is like, I'm a therapist myself. I've tried everything in my first marriage, like everything, everything we spent multiple five figures on marriage counseling.
Like I was so all in with trying to save that marriage. And so I really felt like I knew everything. I had tried everything. And then, um, I found this book, it's actually a secular book, but, um, called the surrendered wife. And, um, but that book is based on she was afraid. She was a controlling wife. She was afraid she was getting a divorce.
And so she asked, um, all the women she knew who had been happily married for 15 years or more for their secrets. [00:08:00] And this still them into these 6 intimacy skills and those skills, of course, they're biblical because they are. principles of how to show up as a wife in a way that's going to foster intimacy.
And so it's like, you know, God's way works. So it's like the law is written on their hearts, kind of stuff like very, um, universal innocence. And so it's things like showing up with gratitude. Things that people talk about a lot. Um, but what I found was that the way it was explained by a fellow, you know, controlling wife who had almost turned her house down with her own hands and that had turned it around actually without her husband even knowing that she was doing anything.
Um, and that was my experience as well. My marriage turned around, almost instantly, just from like my. Mental reset, like just from me realizing like, Oh, like, I felt like someone was just explaining to me everything I have been doing that I didn't know I [00:09:00] was doing, like, I was really at that point, I was really hungry and eager for someone to explain to me what I was doing wrong, because I could see, because I had seen it in two marriages, it was pretty clear that I was playing a part in it that I couldn't see.
Yeah, I just needed someone to explain it to me. That's the case. I feel like with so many different categories so we could want to fix something so bad and you look at all the outside factors not realizing how much power you actually have by working just just within yourself. Yes, but a lot of times like I find that as a mom too because I have five kids and a lot of times if our day isn't going well, um, it's me.
Just the way I'm showing up, like, I, you know, I may be just not even realizing the way I'm showing up is just, um, uh, you know, there's something wrong, like, basically, between me and the Lord and the way I'm showing up as a mom and like, likewise, as a wife, like, if there's something [00:10:00] kind of. And I, again, it's like, you can't, I think a lot of very sincere Christian women are showing up in ways that are, that are disrespectful and controlling it completely unintentionally, just from lacking information and that's.
Kind of what my mission is now is like I work with wives to help uncover those blind spots as a coach. Like I really love coaching one on one, um, because I can stay with a wife like over time and, um, like as she's just trying to like, this is happening in my marriage, this is happening in my marriage.
Then I'm just asking her questions. She's like, Oh my goodness. I had no idea that was going on. Yeah. A lot of times you start with what seems to be the biggest problem and then other things present or even, oh, it goes a lot deeper than that. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. We all have things that we can't see. For sure.
Yeah. So we know having [00:11:00] trouble in your marriage can affect so many other areas. So can you share from your experience in your own marriage and from women you've worked with, what are some of the negative ways where marriage trouble impacts the children that are involved? Well, so it's an interesting like that is really so dear to my heart like that question because I used to do in home therapy for kids and I also was a school social worker so I used to work with children primarily.
And when I would drive to work with them, I would listen to a podcast about the intimacy skills that I coach on now. And at the end, she would always ask. Um, like, how has this impacted your children, like for your marriage, like the most of the packets about how the wife kind of brought the marriage back into alignment and everything became kind of easy and fun and light in the household.
And then the end is like, [00:12:00] and so how has this impacted your kids? And you would hear the mothers saying, like, my kid is sleeping. My kid isn't anxious anymore. Like, my kid isn't having behavior problems in school anymore. So it's really just living within that structure that makes kids feel secure of like dad is motivated to be his best because mom is championing him to be his best and like, and mom has a much lighter mental load because mom is letting dad kind of handle more of the heavy weight of the household.
I see a lot of moms carrying too much mental Weight that I believe God intended men to carry and, um, and so it's like just that burden, like feeling so burdened as a mom, um, like kids take that. It's not at all meant personally by the mom, but kids can take that personally as if like [00:13:00] they're the burden because that's just the way children are.
Um, and also of course, if parents are fighting in front of their children, it's. It's just really like robbing them of the of the feeling of, you know, of just safety that they deserve to be raised in. And of course, it's, you know, it's so, um, understandable and like, I have all kinds of compassion say that with all kinds of grace, because I understand, um, that it can be really difficult to avoid that, um, or the thing is, I think in most cases, it's not as difficult to avoid that as, as is presented.
Yeah, I think awareness goes a long way there because we may know we're not directing any of this at our child. But we don't realize that in their world, their only perception is themselves. And so they take on a lot of pressure from that. They take on a lot of guilt from that, that you may not even realize if they don't say it.[00:14:00]
Yes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. If you're talking to a woman who's in the middle of this right now, and she's struggling to find contentment in her marriage. Um, she's facing fear that this is negatively impacting her Children right now. What do you suggest that she do? Well, the one thing kids do not need you to be perfect.
They do not need you to be a perfect mom and they don't don't need your marriage to be perfect. It's more about like the research really shows that it's more about the coming together whether as a mom and a child or as like a husband and wife, like the ability to reconcile, like the ability to model reconciliation.
Um, and one of the things, um, that one of my favorite, like little cheat phrase I can like give any wives that are listening is to learn to apologize for what's on your side of the street and clean it up. Can restore the intimacy, like instantly. I have this [00:15:00] apology. I apologize for being disrespectful when I, and, um, like I had actually did it several times yesterday.
I, um, what did I apologize for? Um, I apologize for interrupting him, um, or for like, trying to control what his actions for correcting him in front of the children. And then I keep quiet and I don't explain and I don't talk about his side of the street. I only focus on cleaning up my side. And the reason I bring that up in this moment is just because, um, for children to see their parents reconcile like that and for intimacy to be restored is such a picture of God's love, right?
That, um, it's not about that. We don't make mistakes. Like we are, um, human, we make all kinds of mistakes. It's about, like, this is a story of, like, redemption [00:16:00] and restoration, like, that we can just keep restoring and coming back together. Um, so I think that that's really, really important. Um, the other piece that's so important is, like, just to, um, really, it has set me free, not just with my husband, but in so many relationships to really learn where my responsibility begins and ends.
Um, Um, my marriage mentor, Laura Doyle, she has this, um, she has this amazing way of breaking through kind of codependence and stuff with this one image, which is, um, like a major imagine you're in a mass. A math class and you're taking a math quiz and you have your paper in front of you and you're doing your math quiz and everyone else has one.
And it's bad form to look at anyone else's like just do your own work. Um, [00:17:00] and a lot of times when you're so closely involved, um, you know, side by side with your husband, it can be really tempting for us wives to look over at his paper and plus it's. culturally very normal to do that. Um, but that's really one of the things that I've Really, really learned is like to, um, when I'm able to fully claim like the power that God has given me on my paper, um, and I am just so, I have so much more influence in my home to set the tone of my home, to be a good mom, to be like an extremely powerful influence on everyone in my, in my sphere.
Um, than I ever realized before when I was draining my energy by like worrying, for example, like about his smoking that I couldn't control, by the way, he quit smoking on his own and I didn't even know it. [00:18:00] I love that advice. I think I was probably pretty bad about that in my prior marriage. Um, mostly because if you.
You can see your perspective so clearly. So it's like, if I could just get them to see it my way, then we could fix this, but realizing how much power you have just by focusing on your side of the street, I love that. Yes. And, and when, like, cause I, I'm nine years older than him. I'm much higher educated than him.
And, and it's so easy for like, if I have that strong perspective, which believe me, I have a lot of strong opinions and perspective. If I bring that forward as superior to his, that is extremely disrespectful to his leadership and his thinking. He really wants like his, his, The what says respect to him is that I actually defer to his thinking.
Now, that doesn't mean that I'm just a doormat. I can actually express [00:19:00] my desires in a very powerful way. And he basically runs a family around my desires. Now, I, like, I'm like, I respect your thinking and they have this desire. My superpower is desire, his superpower is thinking. And, um, like they're, they're separate so they don't have to, um, contradict each other.
So I don't have to just lay down and be a doorknob. I can actually express, I know what I want a lot better than I used to when I was so obsessed with his paper. Like, I know what I want. I made a whole, we just had like, our tax season went way better than expected. And so we were having a lot of conversations about that just yesterday.
And it was such a great example of this. Cause I, I made a whole list of desires. And I was like, and I also want to, like, save the money or put it toward debt. Like I, I, the thing about us women, like we can have a lot of desires that are [00:20:00] like, even contradictory and stuff. Um, and so I was like, here's all my desires.
And like, I respect your thinking. I defer to your thinking. And yet I do that knowing that what I love and what I want is so important to him. It's like of paramount importance to him. That's really good. So for wives who right now are working towards a better marriage, but they're in that time where they feel like they're doing it completely alone with no support and no buy in from their husband.
How do you encourage that woman that this work is worth it? Yeah, well, I'll say probably it's probably a lot harder than it needs to be. It can get unraveled. pretty, pretty simply, but also takes a lot of intention. So I don't necessarily think it's like a lot of work, but it's a lot of intent. It's a lot of like consciously changing habits.
Um, for example, one of the first steps for me was [00:21:00] like really taking responsibility for my own happiness. So that meant Again, on my own paper, what brings me delight, what do I want, what are my desires, and really like, oh, you know, some of these can't happen today, but one of them is, I want to play my guitar today.
And so, you know, some of them are like, I want a horse, I want a boat, of course, I'm not going to have those things today. But some of them are gonna happen today. And so just like, really, like, I think that's so, so many moms, you know, struggle to take care of themselves, know what they love, know what they want, and just keep themselves happy.
But and I there's a lot of like, um, when people talk about self care, I think it can be really confusing because it those words mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For me, it's been really life changing to frame self care in terms of what brings me delight because some of those things.
Um, I do with my kids like [00:22:00] play my guitar. Um, I like love to take naps with my baby, snuggle my baby, just have like be nap trapped and just kind of like, I really, really love that oxytocin feeling of my baby. So that's one of my big ones and like one of my big ones is just taking a hot shower bath, which is so doable.
Um, so just learning what those things are for you. Like when I get to seeing on the worship team, it fills me up all week. So learning what those like really powerful ones are for you. Um, it's also really restored my time with the Lord because I really focused on like, this is my desire. This brings me the light rather than it's a should.
Um, but as far as what you were asking is that, like, you know, but he's showing up this way, like, maybe he's not a believer. That's actually kind of my specialty is like a lot of the wives that I work with their husband is showing up in some way. That's very problematic. Like, maybe he has an addiction.
Maybe he's not a believer. He said he's [00:23:00] a believer, but he is actively sending or maybe he's deconstructing. Um, and I don't know. I, you know, the, I feel like first Peter three really gives us very sound advice on that. I know that that scripture gets thrown around a lot and it also gets misused a lot. Um, but there's a way now that I have any information I have now I've seen in my own journey and so many other women's journeys.
I actually feel like that scripture contains all the information you need if your husband is not a believer. It's just that a lot of those situations are so scary. That to walk through them alone is just, um, I don't think that's really what God wants for us. Um, I think that he wants us to walk through those situations with other women who understand what we're going through.
Um, so I, I, when I say that, um, I think it can be [00:24:00] really hard to, um, show up respectful when your husband is doing something that's not respectable. Um, and yet there is a possibility of doing that. My, um, my client was just on my podcast talking about this, like that her husband's in active addiction and she was showing up in really small, respecting him in really small things.
So like saying, whatever you think about, like, Um, do you want me to give the baby a bath tonight? Whatever you think. Um, what should I put the baby in? Whatever you think. So all those small things. And showing, and, and watching him actually make good decisions in all these small things. And sometimes really, um, blowing her mind with like his wisdom and small things.
And so then she started to trust him in bigger and bigger things. Um, and as he gets more trust in bigger and bigger things, he starts to [00:25:00] feel the weight of responsibility in bigger and bigger ways, but she's like, extracted herself from the codependence that's actually feeding into his addiction. And so, um, he's actually starting to feel like these life lessons, like more, he's more like on his own with the Holy Spirit and just like, how do I want to show up as a father?
Yeah. And doesn't happen overnight. Um, but I do feel like even with husbands that are maybe an active addiction, respect is still a key, which is, can really be scary for wives. But that's really what first Peter three says. It says that even if they're not in the word, they can be won over by our feminine gifts.
They can be won over by this, um, trusting feminine spirit and this inner beauty. And it's like to, to cultivate that when you're in that scary situation of having a husband who's not a [00:26:00] believer, having a husband who may be actively sinning is not, it's not for the faint of heart. Like, it's a real, I feel like I always am so like moved by my client's courage because.
It's really, I feel like that God has them in this place where they are really being challenged to like claim their victory in such a radical way. And that's really like, once they can really accept that for themselves, not for changing their husband, but for themselves, for their own peace, their own victory, then I see God able to really work miracles in those marriages.
So I would say, um, to those wives who are in release. tough spot to claim this as for you for your own victory. There's so much good advice wrapped in that. I even wrote down one quote that you had while you were talking. But let's say you could give only one piece of advice, but you could somehow get that [00:27:00] message to every single wife around the world at once.
What would be that one number top piece of advice you would give? It's, it's to stay on your own paper, like Evan, um, and really take responsibility for your own happiness. Because just that one act will, will really free up just so much in your, like, in your relationship with the Lord, your relationship with other people, um, because it's really reclaiming your own energy and like for women who are like, I don't have, I feel so drained all the time.
I'm so tired all the time. I don't have. The relationship I want to have with the Lord, I'm not taking the time I want to have with the Lord. I, I just feel like dead inside. Um, like I've been there and it's, uh, for me, it was always because, and still to this day, my self care doesn't stick if I'm on someone else's paper fretting about something not in my gratitudes, like not.
And so I'm really [00:28:00] taking responsibility for that. Um, which is a, you know, it's that in itself will like. That'll keep you busy like it's a, um, it's a lot and yet it's also, it's not hard and because it's about, um, happiness and delight. And like, um, you know, I feel like God kind of gives us women like God sparkles, which are.
Um, what brings us delight or brings us desire. And those are clues to our purpose. So to really like cultivate your relationship with your, with yourself in that way, and from there you can pour out so much, like, I just feel like the more I'm there, the more I can pour out in ministry, um, and then like meaning.
And of course my ministry is to my family first and foremost.
That's really valuable. So you've worked with a lot of women. You've helped a lot of women [00:29:00] transform their marriages. What would you say? Is there any one most common roadblock that they seem to face when they're on that journey? I was reflecting on this because I, I kind of have 2 answers. Like, I have an answer for like, women don't start because.
I feel like women don't start because they're like, are you saying that this is all on me? Um, so that is, I would say that I, I would say that's the biggest roadblock because I still see it. I see it come up even after women start, um, where they're just kind of like, I'm working on and he's not kind of thing.
Um, when that's really just a, a reframe of we can. Impact our relationship so much like we we have so it's like this is for again to claim that for yourself like as [00:30:00] this is to claim. The, um, invitation to living a victorious life that's in that for you, um, and to like claim the opportunity to, um, just have peace, have the peace that you can have when you are no longer, you know, obsessing about your husband smoking, um, like gave me a lot of peace when I stopped, um, I not only did I stop obsessing about things like I couldn't control like he drinks soda, he smokes, but then I also, um, like.
Stopped doing things like running the finances. And so I lighten my own load so much just by trusting him to lead our family, which was scary. Because again, I was 9 years older. I had been a single mom. So I was used to doing everything myself. And, um, you know, I, I thought I was smarter than him just straight up.
I [00:31:00] did. And so it was scary. Um, but what I found was that the more I relinquished control and allowed him to lead, um, I just started to like, feel like myself in a way that I hadn't since I was like a child, like really, you know, just light and fun. And then also I, um. I really saw him like, stepping up and he's still stepping up into new versions of like, he's constantly up leveling himself.
Like, he is thinking about starting his own business now, um, like on the side of his other job and like, things that he, he used to tell me he, he wanted to do that, but he couldn't do it because he basically didn't like working people, making phone calls. He didn't have the confidence to deal with the public.
And, um, he's just. He keeps up leveling and growing. Um, and I'll just give you a quick example of that [00:32:00] if that's okay. Yeah. So when we bought this house, which was all his idea, um, I actually, like, I wanted to stay in our old house, but when he presented his thinking, which was like, no matter how much we pour into this house, it's never going to be level.
Like it was this old, Main house. It's always going to to the road. We're never going to have a garage. Like, we're never going to have the space we need or, you know, it's going to look at what it's going to mean to like, add a bathroom and all that and like, he was right. His thinking was right. So that impacted my desire.
My desire was to move in to follow him to his leadership in that. And then that whole time, like, he would show me how soon he wants to know what I want. I want to move here and this house was a real project. Like, it wasn't finished. It was a new construction that wasn't finished. So awesome opportunity for us.
And, [00:33:00] um, during that process, he was like, he had this whole story that like, he had social anxiety and couldn't make phone calls. And, um. He wanted me to make phone calls. Plus he was out. He's a fisherman. So he would be like out on the water and there would be all these time sensitive phone calls that need to happen for this real estate deal.
And, um, I knew that if I got involved on that level, like the old me would come out and I would try to take over the whole process. And I would also just get too emotionally involved in whether we got this house or not. And, um, I wanted to kind of stay in my, like, unburdened place. And so I said, I can't, I can't make those phone calls.
And, um, what wound up happening out of that was like, he. Through this whole process of buying this house like not only did he make all the phone calls for us to be able to buy the house, but he actually like opened up accounts at like all [00:34:00] these different like lumber yards and like basically laid the groundwork for now he wants to open his own contracting business.
So that was just for me like not buying into that story of like he's, um, He's so, you know, unable to make phone calls, um, which there was plenty of evidence for that. I really love that at two separate times, you've said your, you have desire, he has thoughts and his thinking can influence your desires, but your desires also influence his thinking.
That's such a. Great representation of actually becoming one exactly everything working together. Exactly. That's why it's it's I really feel like God. Um, like we are so different. Like him and I are so, we're such different backgrounds and, um, yeah, I really feel like God has designed us to be complimentary and like that desire and thinking thing has really been a key for us [00:35:00] to move forward as a team on things because we each have like our realm, which is complimentary, but really quite separate.
So it's not contradictory. Um, it's like two different realms, um, but they do, they influence each other and he really needs my desires to run his thinking around like they're kind of his North Star that he organizes everything around. And so that's what he's walking toward. Um, and lately we've actually been facing like he's been, um, his thinking has taken him direction of selling this house now that it's finished because he's thinking like.
We, you know, if you know, Dave Ramsey, baby steps, he's like baby step seven. If we cash out the equity in a cheaper house and my desire is to stay in this house. And I've been very clear that my desire is to stay in this house. And we've just, it's been such a lovely. Like, because I really do respect his thinking.
I mean, of course, like that. [00:36:00] That's amazing. Um, and yet, like, I'm in touch with what I want, what I want is, I'm like, I want to stay in this house and get to baby step seven, like, and so, it's just take a little longer. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, and he, you can see him like re like, he kind of like, he takes it in. Then he like went out and ran errands yesterday.
And then he was like. He was like, you know, with what happened with the taxes, he's like, it's a lot more possible to stay in this house than I thought. And like, you could see, like, he took it in, and it changed his thinking. Like, he came back, like, he needed some time to process, like, he went out, he, he likes to go out, like, run errands.
He went out in the world, he came back and his thinking had really been changed by my desires. And he came to me saying, it feels a lot more possible to me than it used to. So you, you talk about how you've been divorced and you did everything that you [00:37:00] could or everything that you knew at the time to fix that marriage.
I've also been divorced and of course I felt like I did everything at the time to fix that. A lot of times as Christian women, there's that time of guilt, judgment, like regret, did I mess up? Could I have done better? Have I disappointed God? Um, but then there's a growth phase where you go through that.
You're like, this is part of my story and here I am doing what I'm doing because of that part of my story. So for the woman that may not be there yet, and she's feeling really down and guilty, or she's feeling in regret, what would you say to her? Well, I can relate because I still have regret come up for my divorce, um, just because of what my, it's my teenagers have been through a lot.
Um, with it. Um, yeah, I, I love, um, I feel like, you know, everything that happens is for us. [00:38:00] So like God wants us to claim our lives as for us, like in this world, there will be trouble. But take heart where I've overcome the world, like, and I don't think any of us are really going to see through that glass clearly until we're on the other side as far as like, you know, I, I just.
And so I really do believe that as Christians, like we're so, we have the ability to really walk forward and freedom. Like we have the ability to be forgiven. And if we're judging ourselves for something that crisis are given us for, that's That's not good because we're not accepting what he did on the cross for us and like, and we're actually placing ourselves higher than him.
And so that's not good. Um, and just so just to like, I would encourage anyone that's going through that to like, really, um, like seek out [00:39:00] wise counsel or like. So I'm going to pray with you basically about that. And then my church has like a really awesome teachings about, um, I think it's Hebrews 12, 15, where they say, um, the, the bitter root corrupting many.
And so just to, um, also guard against bitterness against, um, your ex, and really make sure that you forgiven your ex, because God doesn't want us to dwell in that bitterness. It'll spill out on our kids. And even no matter how your ex is showing up, there's because there's always, there's been a lot of things that I've been through, um, with my ex over the last, um, however many years.
But I like. At the same time, our relationship has gotten better and better because I do respect him as the child, the father of my children and, um, my husband has actually really led me in that and it's [00:40:00] been really beautiful. Like, he led me in, um, you need to respect him as the father of your children, like, um, and.
And so that's meant relinquishing control, some things that have been really tough to relinquish control of, um, and yet, because he's really involved. I know not everybody is, um, but there were things that, you know, I would set up with him and he wouldn't do it that way and, um, he has his own way of doing things.
And that's part of his prerogative as, as the father of, um, Of the children, and so just to be able to like, I apologize for being disrespectful if if I disrespected, um, and I really, um, I wrote him a long apology letter when my blinders kind of got taken off to how, um, disrespectful I had been over our marriage.
And so I think there's a lot, I have a blog post about this, but that goes into depth about how I really healed my relationship with my ex. [00:41:00] Um, but I, I really think that there's, um, a lot you can do to have a good relationship with your ex. And then, um, the Lord does the rest as far as like, he will restore the years, the locusts is eaten and like, he can give you your peace back no matter what your situation is.
That's really helpful. And now I'm feeling a bit convicted, but so I would say I, I separated from my husband in 2020 and it took me probably three years before I realized why am I not praying for him just because we're not together. There's still a lot of ways we're still intertwined. We have a child together.
We always will be. So that's when I finally realized if I want my child to be benefited from having a great father. My duty is to pray for him at the very least. Yeah, I'm always, [00:42:00] like, anytime I worship, I'm always praying the blood of Jesus over his household because my teenagers spend a lot of time there too, and my teenagers don't know the Lord.
And so I'm always, like, I am just, like, praying for protection around his household. I am always fighting intercession for him. Like, he is my, you know, he and obviously my teens are like, they're my top priority for intersession and, um, yeah, it's so important. So for the dads, for the grandparents, step parents, the people outside of wives and mothers who are listening, do you have any words of wisdom or suggestions that they should take to heart in their relationships that their children are around?
Um, well, I just, I mean, kind of generic, like, give, like, love covers a multitude of sins. And just, I feel like when, um, Jesus said, you know, turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile. Like, [00:43:00] I think it's easy. To I think that he meant those things in a pretty radical way, and I think it's, it's easy to diminish when something becomes charged or hurtful, or like someone's really not behaving in a way like, like we were saying, or it's so clear to me from over here that you're not showing up the way that you should.
And yet. I really feel like a lot of that can be covered in love and grace and hospitality and then intercession and like, it's really, um, I think anyone can benefit from this concept of like, really staying on your own paper, knowing where your power ends and begins, and a lot of that has made me a more powerful intercessor because I, I know, like, All of that is between them and God, and yet I can stand in that gap and I can pray for them.
[00:44:00] Um, and so it gives people more space to kind of, it's between them and the Holy Spirit, and yet I find that I'm able to have, um, more powerful, like I've had some really powerful conversations with my teens, because I don't need them to like, Agree with me. Um, I'm you know, I'm just able to kind of like answer them in a way like very clearly and like with a lot of power about like this has been my experience and like I it's on their paper how they how they respond to that.
So it's kind of freeing like I feel like I can I can talk about anything and I feel like I'm a more powerful witness for that reason. That's really helpful. This has been great for me. I'm not even a wife and there's been so much wisdom. Oh, yeah, this interview. So thank you for that. But if anybody wants to find you and learn more or work with you, how can they reach out to you?
Or how can they find you? [00:45:00] It's pretty easy. Um, so you can look me up on Facebook at Lucy Martin or look up the if you're a wife, um, or actually any woman, um, because these principles of womanhood are applicable to any woman, um, just, uh, look up easy biblical marriage on Facebook. I have a Facebook group called that.
I have a podcast called that. My Instagram account is called that. So if you either look up Lucy Martin or easy biblical marriage, you should be able to find me pretty easily. That's my website is easy biblical marriage. com. Okay, great. So I'll also link those things in the description for anybody to get those easily.
Thank you, Lucy, so much for coming on. Yeah, this has been so much fun. Thank you so much for having me. I hope this episode was valuable for you and I pray you're walking away with a new insight Perspective or idea to implement as you move forward. Remember that God makes everything we truly need available to us And the life you've [00:46:00] prayed for is just waiting for you to take the next step If you enjoy this podcast, please subscribe and leave us a review so that we can continue showing up And reaching families who need this message until next time.
Take care and stay blessed
