How to handle toddler tantrums
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Microphone (2- TONOR TC-777 Audio Device): [00:00:00] A member of the calm & confident club submitted this question for our January Q and a, and it's such a good and common question that I wanted to share my response with all of you. The submitted question is regarding how to deal with toddler tantrums. In this case, particularly a three-year-old with a very strong will, who gets very upset to the point of crying. And anger and even difficulty breathing when she doesn't get what she wants.
Hey friends, it's Katy, host of the Christian Career Mom podcast, founder of Covenant Collections, which is a company on a mission to empower parents to thrive in all things family and life, and author of soon to be released Christian children's book, Happy Are the People. Whether it's your first time listening or you've been here with us before, the Christian Career Mom exists for the working Christian mamas who desire to live purposely, grow spiritually, and create a harmonious balance between their work, life, faith, and family.
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Microphone (2- TONOR TC-777 Audio Device): I will say the fact that this child seems to only do this at home is a good thing.
I know that's probably still pretty frustrating, but that does mean that she realizes this behavior. Isn't what she's necessarily supposed to do. Home is if we're doing things right, our child's safe space. Where they know that no matter what they do, they're still loved and they can safely put their worst foot forward with those who love them this much.
That's actually a good thing. It's more work for us as parents, but it's a good thing. The behavior, of course, we still want to work on at three [00:02:00] years old. They're finally coming into that phase where they can start to learn and pick up appropriate cues of what is right. And what is wrong. They're starting to show some intelligence and logic in decision-making. But we have to remember that they're still only three. They're not going to do this very well for a few more years. There are logic still has a lot of growth and development to go through. And when they fail, it doesn't mean that your failing. It just means they're three, they're still learning and they need our grace and our guidance. The most important thing to do in the normal day to day when you're not in the middle of a tantrum is to demonstrate appropriate and desired behavior.
Whenever you can. So let's say that you really wanted Mac and cheese for dinner, but you realize you're out of cheese and you don't have any time to go to the store. So you are disappointed. Most of the time as adults, we just deal with that. We work through that entire process [00:03:00] in 25 seconds in our own head, without anyone around us having a clue.
But what you could start to do here is include your toddler.
Microphone (2- TONOR TC-777 Audio Device)-1: You could share with her that you really wanted Mac and cheese, and you're feeling disappointed that you're out of cheese, so you can't have it. This might seem silly and pointless, but I promise it's not. This gives you a chance to demonstrate yourself, handling disappointment in the way that you want your child to learn, to handle disappointment. You can do this and whatever way you prefer that she learned how to handle that. But for me, this may look something like. I'm feeling really disappointed. I wanted macaroni and cheese, but we don't have any cheese.
And that makes mommy a little bit upset. It's okay though. Sometimes we feel upset and sometimes we don't get what we want. That's okay. Mommy can make a different choice for dinner. And then I would include her in that choice by asking what ideas she has. You could even [00:04:00] demonstrate specific methods that you're trying to teach.
Like if you get angry about something you could say, mom was feeling angry. I think I need to take a few deep breaths and then do that in front of, or with her. My son has learned this so well at this point that at one of my nephew's football games. Someone seemed like they were upset and they kind of yelled at the game. And my son at four years old said to them with no prompting. You just need to take some deep breaths like this. And then he demonstrated a dramatic inhale and exhale for them.
And it was obviously super adorable, but it really just goes to show how quickly they can not only learn things like that, but then even start to recognize a need for others and help them with the emotional skills that they have learned. We often underestimate our power as role models and children learn more from what they see than what they hear. So try to incorporate examples like this whenever you can. [00:05:00]
Next most important is of course, how we handle the situation while they're in the middle of a breakdown. Staying calm is your first order of business. Share your calm. Don't let them share their chaos. Staying calm models, the appropriate behavior. And it also proves that energy is contagious. I would never give into what they want when they're asking for it, by having a meltdown.
If you do this, you're rewarding that behavior and you're teaching that this behavior will work to get what they want, which will 100% set yourself up for more of this in the future, and likely even cause them to double down and stick with it seeming to never give up because. They learned that if they just take it extreme enough or keep it going long enough, it might work. So as hard as it can be, they have to learn that acting in this way will not have the result that they desire. And then acting in the appropriate way will have the result [00:06:00] that they desire. A lot of parents make the mistake of thinking.
It's okay to give into this now when they're only three and then surely when they're four or five and better able to understand they can just. Change the way they handle this to teach the child. This is an appropriate, then these parents have an extremely difficult time trying to change that expectation and stop that kind of behavior. We're teaching them what to expect from us through our reactions.
And they're not too young to learn this at three, they're actually very smart and they're picking up on our cues constantly.
That might mean that you spend 20 minutes just sitting next to them in the floor, offering hugs. If they want them. Assuring them that it's okay. That you're here. That you understand they're upset and that you hear them. There doesn't actually have to be a solution. There doesn't have to be a way that you can fix this for [00:07:00] them.
That's the tough part. Realize that there are emotions about this while extreme in our evolved eyes. Are totally valid and it is completely okay to allow our child to feel. And process those feelings. Don't try to fix every negative emotion because when we do that, we're missing an opportunity for our children to learn what to do with negative emotions. When they calm down, you can explain your reasoning and offer solutions that you're okay with as alternatives.
If that thing is something that is still a no, and you can encourage, they ask for what they want politely. Then to avoid tantrums as much as possible, try to manage the triggers, the best that you can. If you know that saying no to a snack is likely to set them off. You can still say no, just do so thoughtfully and carefully. Go ahead and offer the alternative at that [00:08:00] time. I don't know what that looks like for you specifically, but it could be like, We're actually just about to eat dinner.
So no snack right now. But do you want to help me make dinner? Or we can't have a snack right now, but guess what? You can help choose dessert tonight? What should we have? Apple pie or ice cream. Giving a choice. He goes really well for toddlers and distractions also work really well for toddlers. I would never just reject what they think they want and leave it at that.
I would always add a sentence that kind of redirects them and gets their mind off of that thing that they think they want really bad. So that you can hopefully avoid them escalating and getting really upset about that. No. Next, I would say carefully. Choose your nose. I say this, not to encourage you to be a pushover, but actually to encourage your boundaries to be strong. Don't [00:09:00] say no, if there's a way to talk you out of that.
No. For example, if they ask to paint something and you're not really in the mood for painting or cleaning all this up. So you say no. But then they beg you and you give in. You're teaching that your boundaries are weak and they're open for negotiation. And we don't want to do that. So if you aren't feeling it, but it is possible to change your mind.
That doesn't mean you have to say yes, it just means. Don't make it a hard, no, right away. If it's not. That way when your child hears no from you. They know it's a no. It's a known no matter what, and it's not going to change. So there's no point having a breakdown, trying to convince you to get it, to change. In that example, you could say. Hm. Painting sounds fun. But mommy's kind of tired and doesn't really want to paint today.
Maybe we could paint tomorrow. Hmm. I wonder what else we could do today instead. We could do a [00:10:00] puzzle. We could read a book, we could watch TV. Just kind of think out loud in a way that encourages their engagement and leads them elsewhere to a more desired task. That sounds fun. And let them jump in to help make the decision. They're probably not going to be super into this or go along easily.
If you only provide one other option other than what they want. Three-year-olds love to make choices. They want to feel a tiny bit of power over their lives. And that is both normal and okay. At this age, I love the thinking out loud thing. You're teaching them how to work through decisions, make decisions and follow appropriate thought patterns. We also want to be empathetic. It seems so wild to us to break down. Over a yellow shirt, you know, but to them, this is a very big deal.
Mom, not being able to find the yellow shirt in their [00:11:00] little three-year old world could be equivalent to how we would feel if our car broke down on the way to work. Try to understand. From their perspective rather than our own. Think about how unhelpful it would be. If our car just broke down. And someone's response to us was, oh, it's fine.
It's not even a big deal. It's just a car. Calm down. You're being so dramatic. When from your perspective, you may have already been late to work so many times you're going to get wrote up or maybe even fired. You don't have the money to fix whatever's wrong with your car right now. And this has caused you significant stress.
You're feeling very valid emotions about the situation that you're facing, whether that other person understands them or not. You would want someone to say. Hey, I get it. I'm sorry. I know you're feeling really upset right now. I hear you. I'm here for you. How can I help? Last on [00:12:00] this for now is positive reinforcement. When they do a good job handling things in a good job, redirecting acknowledge it, encourage it, kind of hype them up. Tell them things like, wow, you asked so nicely.
Good job. Thank you for being so kind. Good job telling mommy about your feelings. We all want to feel like we're doing things right, and three-year-olds are no exception to this. Try these things out and make some solid decisions on how exactly you want to handle this and what boundaries you want to maintain. And then commit to them. Because no matter what you do, you're going to need consistency. Your little one needs to know what to expect and what's expected of them in order to ever learn how to meet those expectations. So to summarize how to handle toddler tantrums. One demonstrate appropriate and desired behavior.
Whenever you can. To share your [00:13:00] calm. Don't let them share their chaos. Three realize that their emotions about this are valid. And it's completely okay to allow them to feel and process those feelings. For try to manage their triggers whenever possible. Five, choose your nose carefully to ensure your child can count on no meaning no six. Think out loud to encourage working through decisions. Making decisions and modeling appropriate thought patterns. Seven. Be empathetic.
Try to understand the situation from their perspective rather than your own. And last ate positive reinforcement. When they do a good job handling things or a good job redirecting, acknowledge and encourage it. And I would love if you let me know how that goes for you, or if you're facing any specific issues that you may need coaching with,
you can actually join us in the Calm & confident [00:14:00] [email protected] slash club. And you can also claim a gift of 125 free faithful parenting affirmation cards. At covenant collections.com/ 1, 2, 5.
I hope you found this episode valuable, and I pray you're walking away with a new insight, perspective, or idea to implement as you move forward in your journey. Remember that while busy is an often unavoidable state of being, it is not a badge of honor, and it is not a measure of our worth. God gives us everything we will ever need to thrive in our careers, our personal lives, our families, and most importantly, our faith.
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