day 8
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[00:00:00] Welcome back to day 8. The focus of the day is effective communication and strengthening connections within the family. You've done the hard work up until this point and the next few days are designed to really just strengthen the skills that you'll need to successfully put all of these steps into place.
Effective communication is deeper than just talking, and unlocking the secrets of effective communication has a significant positive ripple effect on truly connecting with your kids. We're all looking for strengthened bonds that stand the test of time. So, these skills are definitely worth any amount of effort they take, and the great thing is, once you turn them into habits, it has yet another positive ripple effect on every other area of your life as well.
Communication is a skill that cannot be underestimated. Your free resource for today is this practical cheat sheet [00:01:00] for effective communication. This is going to help you nurture open dialogue and strengthen connections through communication in your family. You can access your copy of the freebie by signing up for our challenge at covenantcollections.
com slash 2024. In the guide section of our free Facebook group, the Christian Parenting Community, or inside of our brand new membership program, the Calm and Confident Club. This is now the 13th free gift that you've received throughout this challenge, and you still have six more coming over the next four days.
You officially have one week left to get inside the Calm and Confident Club membership for only 7 a month and receive a complimentary upgrade to VIP, which adds three group coaching sessions per month, four digital coaching sessions by email each month, and one member receiving a one to one hot seat breakthrough session.
Every month on top of everything else that's already inside of the [00:02:00] membership. That price for VIP goes up to 27 a month. After December 15th, you can go to covenant collections. com slash club to learn more about the membership and sign up. And again, anyone who purchases by December 15th, I'll go in and automatically upgrade you to VIP on the backend.
So you don't have to do anything additional to get that set up. If you have any questions, feel free to email katy at covenantcollections. com, that's k a t y, or reach out through the Facebook group or whichever social platform you prefer. If you've ever felt like you're speaking different languages than your family members, even under the same roof, you're not alone.
Today we're going to learn simple, but highly effective strategies for bridging those communication gaps and experiences. that turn normal conversations into genuine exchanges that have the,[00:03:00]
that have the added bonus of strengthening our bonds as well. Life can get overwhelming. I get it. And sometimes just managing the day to day leaves us little left to focus on communication. But the truth is when we communicate better, we parent better. If you get even one aha moment, for that changes one simple thing about your parenting approach today, then you'll have taken a step towards being the parent you truly want to be for your children.
And that's a big win. So let's get started. I want you to think of communication like levels. There's surface level, the words you say and the way they sound. The next level of course is comprehension. Did what you say lead to someone else actually understanding what you said? In the way that you meant it if we learn to communicate in a way that ensures comprehension of the other person and we learn to [00:04:00] comprehend what someone else is saying in the way they meant it.
Then we're operating at a higher, more effective level of communication than just speaking and listening in general. There's also a next level of communication that involves the feelings that those messages cause in us and in others. These levels or layers, however you want to look at it, Also involve nonverbal communication, listening skills, empathy, emotional intelligence, and more.
Communication is a broad, intensive topic. What you'll learn today isn't enough to walk away a master communicator with an advanced level understanding of each of those levels, but it is enough to increase the clarity and connection of the people inside of your home. To make sure the people you love feel heard and valued.
To set you up for success in your parenting goals. Just be aware that these skills are foundational and there's [00:05:00] always room to grow and learn in each area we're going to cover today. Purposeful parenting comes with a certain degree of lifelong learning and leveling up. Using I statements is simple to say and probably something you've heard before.
But it actually is fairly difficult for most of us to implement immediately, because it requires breaking a habit that's almost subconscious at this point. To communicate effectively, we don't want to create conflict. Blaming others, or even making others think we're blaming them when we weren't, but our words insinuated that we were, causes defensiveness or causes walls to go up immediately.
Neither of which help us accomplish the goal of the conversation. I don't personally use I statements in the typical way because speaking in a super formal way feels inauthentic to me, and I feel like it could come across inauthentic to the people closest to me. And a lot of times, these I statements get used [00:06:00] incorrectly by becoming passive aggressive.
Other people aren't responsible for our feelings. They're responsible for their actions, and we are responsible for our feelings. I would use I statements only to speak in facts. For an example, instead of, You never do your chores. You don't even care about anything unless it's your idea. And you leave this house a total mess.
I would say, I don't like when I get home and see dishes in the sink. I don't like when the house is a mess. I want to be able to count on you to do your chores. That's three factual statements that covers all of your basis and it doesn't add stories and accusations to your communication. It will go over a lot better.
I statements allow us to express how we feel without pointing fingers and they allow us to create a non confrontational environment where everyone takes responsibility [00:07:00] for their own emotions. And leans towards understanding rather than blame. Which leads perfectly into our next point. Everyone should feel safe expressing themselves.
But everyone should also take ownership of their own emotions. Why? Well, for one, because it's more effective and more logical in general, but also because If we give other people the power over our feelings and our emotions, our individual well being will never be secure. And that's not a way that I want to send my child out into this sometimes not kind world.
You can't make me mad. You can be mean to me. You can say bad things to me. You can say hurtful things about me. You can do things to me that I don't like and that I won't tolerate. But you cannot make me angry. My anger is my choice. Your [00:08:00] actions are yours. And as a parent, one of my favorite quotes is, You are responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.
Teaching our children this will not only make them more responsible and thoughtful individuals, but it will also keep them mentally and emotionally safe in the world. outside of our homes. Empathy and active listening are essential because they give the people around us permission to safely and comfortably express themselves, which a lot of times is all they need to do.
You know, there's people you speak to that just make you feel truly heard and understood. It's rare, but if you know what I'm talking about, then I know you want that inside of your family. That's what empathy and active listening provide. They're like building blocks of understanding. When you listen to someone speak, don't start thinking of what you're going to say back.
Focus on their words and their body language and [00:09:00] listen with your whole being. Listen to understand. Listen with a goal of feeling what they're feeling and seeing their situation from their perspective before your own. If you can do this, you can make every conversation you have so much more meaningful for the people involved.
If you've ever been interrupted when you're trying to communicate with someone, this one requires very little explanation. No one wants to have a conversation with someone like that and no one can have a meaningful discussion with someone like that. Interrupting shows someone that you don't necessarily care what they have to say more than you care about what you have to say.
And if right now a little voice in your head wants to respond to me and say, that's not true, I just get excited. Then I'm talking to you. Stop it. You're listening to respond. You're making it about [00:10:00] you, and I know that's not your intention, but you're making it for you. If you have a follow up question that you need for clarity to understand something they said, wait for them to finish.
They might explain everything you need to hear before they finish talking. You wouldn't know if you interrupt them. People don't just want someone to talk to. They want someone who makes them feel heard. And if you're interjecting while they're speaking, they're not going to feel this way. So fight that urge to interrupt and give people a chance to express themselves completely and fully before you respond.
Reflective listening will help with this. Reflective listening is just trying to make sure that you capture the emotions and perspective that someone has before you make assumptions. It's kind of similar to active listening and empathy as well. But this type of listening helps others feel like you are making a true effort.
To [00:11:00] understand the message they're trying to share with you. You're not adding thoughts or assumptions of your own. You're paraphrasing and you're mirroring what they've shared with you to create clarity and connection in that conversation. Let me try to give an example. Your child is venting about a situation at school where they feel like they're being treated unfairly by their gym teacher.
They've gone on and on for 10 minutes about all the examples they can think of and you're doing all the right things. You're listening, you're nodding along, you're paying attention. They can see through your body language that you're listening to them. When they pause, And they want you to respond. You mirror what they've shared with you.
Yeah, you feel like they're singling you out when they call on you to demonstrate every task. Don't do this if they actually ask you what you think, because what you think might be that your child's a great athlete, and they're probably [00:12:00] asking them to demo because they do the task differently. really well, and that helps everybody else understand what to do.
Maybe it will help them to hear your perspective, and maybe it won't. But while they're in the middle of their venting session, they want to talk, and they want to be heard, and they want to be understood. Reflective listening isn't agreement. It's acknowledgement. It's check ins that verify yes. I hear what you're saying.
I'm with you. I'm following along. You can keep going. Simple things like this actually reinforce their trust in you. They don't need you to be the savior and the know it all all the time. And they're more likely to talk to you about things in their life if you're less likely to take over and more likely to listen.
If they never ask for your perspective, you can ask at the end. Did you just want to talk or would you like to hear what I think could be possible? But the goal isn't how can I solve this? How can I respond to this? Or what's the [00:13:00] perfect thing to say? The goal is how can I best completely understand where they're coming from, how they're feeling, and what they're thinking, and make sure they know that that's my goal as well.
Patience is always the key. A big reason that we do any of these things wrong in the first place, why we interrupt, why we share unrequested opinion, why we listen to respond rather than to understand, it's not because We're careless, or we're thoughtless, or we're selfish. It's because we get in a hurry.
And why? Why are we even in a hurry most of the time? Let's slow down and pause and be patient. Be present. Be in the moment. Let it be about exactly what it's about rather than moving on to what's next after this. This completely changes the game and how we make people feel when we're communicating with them.
This can also fix most of the [00:14:00] things we mess up in our parenting approach otherwise. When we handle something wrong, when we react wrong, when we say something we regret, or we act on impulse, those things come from a lack of patience, a lack of taking a moment to think, reflect, and make a choice. Choose an appropriate time and place for discussing conflicts.
There is a right time and place and a wrong time and place to discuss conflict. The timing in the setting can have a significant impact on the effectiveness of the conversation. You'll have to decide this for your family because you know them best, but in general, right before school, right before a game, right before anything really that's going to separate the two of you, isn't time for conflict.
And why? Because you don't have time to make sure it's resolved before you separate. So you send them off on a negative note where there could potentially be misunderstanding, confusion, and [00:15:00] unresolved feelings that linger and impact other aspects of their day. Other interactions that they have with others and yours as well.
That being said timely resolution Prevents issues from escalating. So look for the next best time to have that conversation That might be let's talk about this this evening. That might be tomorrow, but it shouldn't be Next week, once you decide you just can't keep it bottled up anymore and make sure if someone else wants to communicate something with you, that you don't push that off until later either.
Sometimes a few hours or a day or two can be good for emotions to de escalate. But there's always going to be a risk that stories and assumptions other people's opinions and escalated feelings get added to a situation the longer that it waits for resolution. Problem solving needs to always be the goal of any difficult conversation.
If you [00:16:00] go into the conversation with the solution being, I want them to recognize and admit that they were wrong, then your goal is blame. And a lot of us have been guilty of that before. I know I have. It might make you feel better for a second, but it's not a solution. It doesn't fix anything. So solutions have to be the goal.
In our families, we need to build bridges, not barriers. If you incorporate these nine tips that we've just gone over and that are on your communication guide, you will have a secret weapon for effective communication that has a huge impact on your family and in your life. Now it's time to put these techniques into action.
So your day eight homework is just to share one thing that you've learned and it can be either from today, your favorite tip, or something you've learned from any of our previous days as well. You can also still enter on the Q& A pinned post in the Christian Parenting [00:17:00] community as well. We have six giveaway winners so far and we still have six more to come.
But don't forget that the membership is ready to go and officially opens December 15th. Join us as a founding member to get in as a VIP for only 7 a month. Last but not least, go ahead and subscribe while you're here and hit the like button. If you enjoyed today's topic, I'll see you all tomorrow for building resilience.
