day 5 Challenge
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[00:00:00] You may think you already know what your kids think and feel about your parenting, but you probably don't. On day five of the 12 Day Roadmap to Parenting Clarity and Purpose in 2024, we're shifting gears towards a team oriented parenting approach for good reason. Let's not forget we're going on a road trip here.
So day 5's purpose is an often overlooked one. Unless you're road tripping all alone, you're not only going to take your own snack preferences, music suggestions, and desired road trip attraction stops into consideration. So if great parenting is our destination, We cannot only take our own opinions into consideration.
It's a team effort. We may be the driver of the vehicle, but the peace and efficiency with which we make it to the destination is highly [00:01:00] dependent on the energy of everyone who's along for the ride. What you can expect from today is to create a safe and welcoming space for your children to provide feedback.
We'll learn how to reflect on their perspectives and the insights that you gain. Then we'll use their feedback to set goals and make adjustments wherever needed for our approach in 2024. On day five, you receive two amazing free resources that will help you work through all of these processes, and that's a family feedback guide, as well as our perspective reflection journal.
There are a few things that I want you to be aware of before we get started, and that is that perception is not always aligned with reality. Two perspectives are not always aligned with one another in the same reality. If your child's feedback is You never pack what I want for lunch, just thinking of a random [00:02:00] example, and you immediately bristle because every single time you go to the grocery store, you specifically ask if they want to go so that they can pick out stuff for lunch, and they tell you no.
Now is not the time to say that. Now is the time to listen. Now is the time to get super curious. Not defensive. Curious. Respond with questions to understand, not necessarily even the facts, but their perception of the facts. Don't resist, don't dismiss, and don't debate, no matter how hard it may be. And the next thing I want you to be aware of is not acting upon what you learn in a corporate setting.
There's a lot of times where the team makes suggestions, where the leader cannot immediately or necessarily act upon. They might ask for things that aren't reasonable. They may also provide really, really great ideas, but a good leader always acts [00:03:00] on what they're told. Acting on does not mean doing exactly what was requested.
Sometimes it does. But not always acting on what you learn can be simply closing the loop, going back to the team and letting them know that you looked into doing the thing that they requested. And unfortunately, it isn't going to work because XYZ. Otherwise, they may assume you didn't care and you never tried.
That would cause them to feel devalued in the relationship and even uncomfortable bringing you feedback in the future. Definitely not our goal. Another is if you are able to make a change based on that feedback, a lot of leaders fail to come back and close the loop. It's not enough to just decide, yes, that's a great idea.
I'm going to do this. And they'll notice, go back and share with the person what the result of their feedback was. Don't leave people guessing. Now we're going to work through our family feedback guide [00:04:00] together. This is how we set up an effective family feedback session. It's a little more complicated than just asking for the feedback, but it's not too complicated.
And even if you have a very young child, you can do this. My son is four and I started asking him for feedback when he was three. Sometimes you have to ask a lot of questions. You have to reword them in a lot of different ways to get to a real answer, but you can still get really good feedback even at that age.
I learned from my son that it makes him sad when I take his toys away while he's not listening. This would be like if I keep asking him to do something and he's not listening because he's distracted by a toy. And then I take that toy until he's connected to the conversation and able to focus on me for whatever that need may be.
And that's something that made me really reflect. Because while I know that method does work, if it makes him sad and he doesn't understand it from the [00:05:00] perspective that I do, then that feedback helps me change things and adjust things or even present things in a slightly different way so that they are perceived better by the person that I love.
He's also given me feedback that I had a more challenging time with, which was I don't want you to tell me what to do. So i'm really not that bossy I promise and as a parent there are times when we have to tell our child what to do, but if we're being honest Even that is something we can adjust a little bit And I appreciate the feedback regardless because it lets me see life through his eyes A family is a team, and a team oriented parenting approach is very helpful for everyone that's part of that team.
You have to create a safe and open space for your children to provide feedback, which not being defensive or deflective plays a large part in. You have to be [00:06:00] mindful of choosing a good time to talk about these things, which is not in the middle of a conflict or in the middle of a distracting task. And you need to clearly communicate the goal of requesting the feedback.
The goal is to gather everyone's thoughts and opinions to improve your family dynamics and relationships. You want to know so that you can improve things. Make sure they understand that. Also make sure your kids know that you want them to be honest. Of course you want to keep things respectful and positive, but encourage honest expression.
Our goal as the receiver of the feedback isn't to respond, it's to listen and reflect. So be mindful of your body language and stress the importance of active and reflective listening. Listen without interrupting. This exercise alone is also going to teach your children that you value what they think and what they feel.
That's a [00:07:00] great bond builder. Don't expect the conversation to just easily and freely flow right away. You're the guide. You're the facilitator. You should aim to kick things off by speaking positively and providing conversation starters and questions that will help lead them to that requested feedback.
We can guide that conversation by asking them to think of the way you parent them. Then ask, what are some things I do that you like? What are some things I do that you don't like? If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? Can you think of a time when you felt like I handled something wrong when you made a mistake?
What do you think I should have done? Questions like that. Keep it open ended. Encourage them to be specific if they say something very broad, like, you never listen to me. When do they feel that way the most? What specific situation can they [00:08:00] recall that made them feel this way recently? And what would they like you to do differently?
When we allow our children to think of the suggested solution, it becomes a learning experience for everyone. This allows them to think from your perspective a bit as well as their own. Next we need to identify some common goals based on the feedback that we receive. What's our priority based on what we learned from this?
And last, we need to create an action plan with a follow up date. We can't just leave it at this. We want them to know that we're going to take their feedback into consideration, and we're going to make some adjustments. And that you'd like to reconvene to discuss again at a later date. To evaluate for progress and get feedback again.
When children get to be a part of the solution, they start to buy into the solution. Thank them for sharing and express your gratitude, even if it's difficult. A culture of [00:09:00] feedback creates a more resilient and supportive family environment. An ongoing communication and shared commitment to the well being of everyone in the family is the key.
The Perspective Reflection Journal will help you reflect on their feedback. By exploring your emotions and the insights that you received, as well as guiding you towards creating those positive changes in your parenting approach. We need to reflect on the emotions we experienced during this feedback session.
Were there any specific moments that stood out? Note down your initial reactions. Consider how this feedback made you feel about your parenting. Did it evoke feelings of pride, concern? Joy, shame, anger, fear, any other emotions, be open and be honest, dive into the root causes beneath those emotional responses.
Were there any particular comments or [00:10:00] insights that triggered stronger emotions than others? Explore the underlying reasons. Are there patterns or past beliefs that play a role in shaping your feelings towards this feedback? Identify the key insights. from the feedback that you found most valuable. What aspects resonate with you?
Why do you feel like they're significant? Based on your reflection, outline specific adjustments that you plan to actually make in your parenting approach. This is our opportunity to address the things that need stopped, started, or fixed, reinforce the things that are going well, and enhance the things that could be a bit better.
These tools are going to be instrumental in helping you reach a place of significant personal growth as a parent from a positive frame. You get to explore your emotions. You get to understand the root causes [00:11:00] and the underlying reasons for them. You get to set intentional goals and you get to connect with your children and enhance communication in your family.
And you get to pave the way for significant positive change in your parenting. Embrace this work for the opportunity that it is, for growth and connection, and enjoy the process. I'd like to close with a reminder that this process should enhance connection, not cause conflict. Please remain reflective, open, accepting, and ready to express gratitude for the feedback received.
It is an honor to learn from others how we can best Love them. And don't forget to do your homework post in the Facebook group. I want to hear which of these lessons so far and or which of the free resources that you've received thus far throughout the challenge has been the most Valuable to you, which [00:12:00] as of today, we are five lessons and nine free gifts into this challenge Commenting on that homework post over in the free facebook group is how you'll be entered in to be one of our awesome 12 winners of the calm and confident club membership program With vip benefits for an entire year and I promise that i'm going to share with you guys tomorrow How everyone else can join us there as well And get a special bonus Have a great day, enjoy your feedback sessions, and I will see you for day 6, where we will be celebrating our successes and our wins from 2023.
