How to Handle Toddler Tantrums

parenting tips toddler toddler tantrums Jan 06, 2024

A member of the Calm & Confident Club submitted this question for our January Q&A and it’s such a good and common question that I wanted to also share my response with all of you.

Our submitted question is regarding how to deal with toddler tantrums, particularly a 3 year old with a very strong will who gets very upset to the point of crying and anger and even difficulty breathing when she doesn't get what she wants.

To watch or listen rather than read,

I will say the fact that this child seems to only do this at home is a good thing. I know that's probably pretty frustrating, but that does mean she realizes this behavior isn't what she is necessarily "supposed" to do.

Home is our child's safe space where they know that no matter what they are loved, and they can safely put their worst foot forward with those who love them this much.

That's good.

But the behavior of course, we want to work on.

At 3 years old, they're finally coming into that phase where they can start to learn and pick up appropriate cues of what is right and what is wrong. They're starting to show intelligence and logic in decision making, but we have to remember they're still only 3. They're not going to do this well for a few more years. Their logic still has a lot of growth and development to go through.

And when they fail, it doesn't mean you're failing. It just means..... they're 3!

They're still learning, and they need our grace + our guidance.

The most important thing to do in the normal day-to-day, when you're not in the midst of a tantrum, is to demonstrate appropriate and desired behavior whenever you can.

Let's say... you really wanted mac and cheese for dinner, but you realize you're out of cheese, and you don't have time to go to the store. You're disappointed.

Most of the time as adults we just deal with that. We work through that entire process in 25 seconds in our own head without anyone around us even having a clue. But what you could do here is include your 3 y/o.

Share with her that you really wanted mac and cheese, and you're feeling really disappointed that you're out of cheese.

This might seem silly and pointless, but I promise, it's not.

This gives you a chance to demonstrate yourself handling disappointment in the way that you want your child to learn to handle disappointment.

You can do this in whatever way you prefer she learn to handle that, but for me this may look something like, "I'm feeling really disappointed. I wanted macaroni and cheese, but we don't have any cheese and that makes mommy a bit upset. It's okay though. Sometimes we feel upset. Sometimes we don't get what we want. And that's okay... Mommy can make a different choice for dinner."

Then I would include her in that choice by asking what ideas she has. You could even demonstrate specific methods that you're trying to teach, like if you're angry you could say, "Mama’s feeling angry. I think I need to take a few deep breaths..", and then do that in front of or with her.

My son has learned this so well that at one of my nephew’s football games, someone seemed like they were upset and kind of yelled at the game, and my son at 4 years old said to them with no prompting, “You just need to take some deep breaths. Like this” and demonstrated a dramatic inhale and exhale. It, of course, was adorable, but it really goes to show how quickly they can not only learn things like that but then even start to help others and recognize when others have a need for the emotional skills that they’ve learned.

We often underestimate our power as role models, and children learn more from what they see than what they hear, so incorporate examples like this whenever you can.

Next most important is, of course, how we handle the situation while they're in the middle of the breakdown.

Staying calm yourself is the first order of business.

Share your calm, don't let them share their chaos.

Staying calm models the appropriate behavior, and it also proves that energy is contagious. I would never give in to what they want when they're asking for it by having a meltdown.

If you do this, you're rewarding that behavior, and you're teaching that this behavior will work to get what they want. Which will 100% set yourself up for more of this in the future and likely even cause them to double down and stick with it, seeming to never give up, because they learn that if they just take it extreme enough or keep it going long enough, it might work.

As hard as it can be, they have to learn that acting that way will not have the result they desire. A lot of parents make the mistake of thinking it’s okay to give in to this now while they’re only 3, and then surely when they’re 4 or 5 and better able to understand, they can just.. change the way they handle this to teach the child this isn't appropriate. These parents then have an extremely difficult time trying to change that expectation and stop that kind of behavior.

We’re teaching them what to expect from us through our reactions, and they’re not too young to learn this at 3. They’re actually very smart, and they're picking up on our cues constantly.

That might mean you spend 20 minutes just sitting next to them in the floor, offering hugs if they want them, assuring them that it's okay, that you're here, that you understand they're upset, that you hear them.

There doesn't actually have to be a solution. There doesn't have to be a way that you can fix this for them. That's the tough part.

Realize that their emotions about this- while extreme in our evolved eyes- are totally valid, and it's completely okay to allow our child to feel and process them. Don’t try to fix every negative emotion because when we do that, we’re missing an opportunity for our children to learn what to do with negative emotions.

When they calm down, you can explain your reasoning and offer solutions that you're okay with, and you can encourage they ask for what they want politely.

To avoid tantrums as much as possible, try to manage the triggers the best that you can.

If you know that saying no to a snack is likely to set them off, say no...thoughtfully. Carefully.

Go ahead and offer the alternative at that time. I don't know what that looks like for you specifically, but it could be like, "We're actually just about to eat dinner, so no snack right now. BUT do you want to help me make dinner?" or "We can't have a snack right now BUT guess what?! You can help choose dessert tonight. What should we have? Apple pie or ice cream?"

Providing a choice goes really well for 3 year olds, and distractions also work really well for 3 year olds.

I would never just reject what they think they want and leave it at that- I would always add a sentence that kind of redirects them and gets their mind off of that thing that they think they want really bad- so that you can hopefully avoid them escalating and getting really upset about that 'no'.

Next, I would say carefully choose your no's.

I say this not to encourage you to be a pushover, but actually to encourage your boundaries to be strong.

Don't say no if there's a way to talk you out of that no.

Example: If they ask to paint something, and you're not really in the mood for painting so you say no, but then they beg, and you give in... you are teaching that your boundaries are weak and they're open for negotiation.

We don't want to do that.

So if you aren't feeling it - but it's possible to change your mind- that doesn't mean you have to say yes- it just means.. don't make it a hard 'no' right away, if it's not.

That way when your child hears no, they know it's a no. It's a no- no matter what. It's not going to change. There's no point having a breakdown to get it to change.

In that example, you could say, "hmmm painting sounds fun, but mommy's kind of tired and doesn't really want to paint today. Maybe we can paint tomorrow. I wonder what else could we do today instead? Hmmm..we could do a puzzle, we could read a book, we could watch tv..." just kind of think out loud in a way that kind of encourages their engagement and leads them elsewhere to a more desired task, and let them jump in to help make the decision.

They're probably not going to be into it or go along easily if you provide 1 option other than what they want. 3 year olds like to make choices. They want to feel a tiny bit of power over their lives, and that is both normal & okay.

At this age, I love the "thinking out loud" thing.

You're teaching them how to work through decisions, make decisions, and follow appropriate thought patterns.

We also want to be empathetic.

It seems so wild to us to breakdown over a yellow shirt, you know? But to them, this is a very big deal. Mom not being able to find the yellow shirt in their little 3 year old world could be equivalent to how we'd feel if our car broke down on the way to work.

Try to understand from their perspective rather than from our own. Think about how unhelpful it would be if our car just broke down and someone's first response to us was, "Oh it's fine. It's not even a big deal. It's just a car. Calm down. You’re being so dramatic.." - When from your perspective, you've already been late to work so many times you're going to get wrote up (or maybe even fired). You don't have the money to fix whatever's wrong with your car. And this has caused you significant stress. You're feeling very valid emotions.

You would want someone to say, "I get it. I'm sorry. I know you're feeling really upset. I hear you. I'm here for you. How can I help?"

Last on this for now is positive reinforcement.

When they do a good job handling things and a good job redirecting, acknowledge it. Encourage it. Kind of hype them up. Tell them things like, "Wow, you asked so nicely. Good job! Thank you for being so kind. Good job telling mommy about your feelings."

We all want to feel like we're doing things right. 3 year olds are no exception to this.

Try these things out, and make some solid decisions on how exactly you want to handle this and what boundaries you want to maintain. Then commit to them because no matter what you do, you're going to need consistency.

Your little one needs to know what to expect and what's expected of them in order to learn to meet those expectations.

To summarize,