Get Your Kids to Listen (Without Yelling!)
Aug 09, 2024Get Your Kids to Listen (Without Yelling!)
We've all been there. You're trying to get your child's attention, and it feels like you're talking to a brick wall. Frustration builds, your voice rises, and before you know it, you're yelling (and then beating yourself up later because you feel so guilty).
It’s a common challenge that many parents face. In a recent group coaching call in the Calm and Confident Club, I spoke with a mom whose #1 goal was to get her children to listen without having to yell. We discussed several strategies, and she was able to identify her next best move: to start identifying her triggers.
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Understanding the Triggers
The first step to resolving any problem is to understand it. For this mom, and likely many of you, your goal is to stop yelling. But to do that, we need to figure out what triggers the yelling in the first place. Is it when the kids are focused on a game and don’t respond? Is it during the morning rush? Knowing your triggers allows you to create a plan to handle these situations differently.
My biggest trigger when I went through this in the past was running late in the mornings and my son not cooperating with instructions right away- because I didn’t have the time to be patient. Ultimately, that responsibility was entirely mine, and I could prevent us ending up in that situation in the first place by simply starting our morning routine earlier.
Of course, you can't prepare for and prevent every scenario that might lead to yelling. The point is to control the controllables and reduce the number of situations that cause you to respond this way. As you replace old habits with better responses, you're developing new routines that will benefit you even when unexpected situations arise.
The Power of Awareness
Once you start paying attention to the moments that lead to raising your voice, you’ll see that patterns will become clear. Maybe it’s the hectic rush before school when no one is ready when they’re supposed to be, or the chaotic time right before dinner when no one wants to eat what you’ve cooked for them. Regardless of the situation, when you’ve taken the time to identify these ‘high-risk' moments, you can prepare yourself mentally and have a strategy in place to address them calmly.
Ensuring They Hear You
Another critical aspect we discussed is whether your children are actually hearing you. Often, when kids are focused on something else, they might not fully register what you’re saying unless you raise your voice. This doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you intentionally; it’s just that their minds are preoccupied.
Effective Communication Strategies
To ensure your children hear you without resorting to yelling, try these steps:
- Get Their Attention First: Instead of shouting from another room, go to where your child is and make eye contact. Gently touch their shoulder if needed to get their attention.
- Be Clear and Direct: Once you have their attention, give clear and specific instructions. For example, “I need you to pause the game and get your shoes on right now, or you'll be late to practice.”
- Ask for Confirmation: To ensure they’ve understood, ask them to repeat back what you said. This reinforces the message and confirms that they’ve heard you.
- Specify Consequences: If necessary, explain the consequences of not following the instruction. Make sure these are logical and related to the task at hand.
Proven Methods for Getting Kids to Listen
- Positive Reinforcement:
Children respond well to positive reinforcement. When they listen and follow instructions, praise them. Let them know you notice and appreciate their cooperation. This encourages them to repeat the behavior in the future.
- Consistent Routines:
Establishing consistent routines helps children know what to expect. When they understand the flow of the day, they’re more likely to follow instructions without resistance.
- Stay Calm and Patient:
It’s easy to lose patience when you’re repeating yourself, but staying calm is crucial. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” By remaining calm, you model self-control and patience for your children.
- Use Natural Consequences:
Sometimes, allowing natural consequences to occur can be an effective teaching tool. For example, if your child refuses to put on their shoes and ends up missing playtime outside, they’ll learn the importance of listening.
- Break Tasks into Smaller Steps:
For younger children, breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps can be helpful. Instead of saying, “Clean your room,” try, “Put your toys in the bin first, next we’ll tackle the books.”
- Offer Choices:
Giving children a sense of control can reduce power struggles. Offer limited choices like, “Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas?”
- Consistent Follow-Through:
Consistency is key. If you’ve set a consequence, follow through with it. This teaches your children that you mean what you say and helps them understand boundaries.
- Teach Problem-Solving Skills:
Encourage your children to think through solutions when they encounter a problem. Ask questions like, “What do you think we should do if you don’t finish your homework before dinner?”
Biblical Support
The Bible offers valuable wisdom on managing our emotions. James 1:19-20 advises that “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
By being slow to anger and quick to listen, we create a more peaceful and cooperative home environment.
Getting your kids to listen without yelling can be a challenge, but with patience, consistency, and effective communication strategies, it’s entirely possible. Start by identifying your triggers and preparing strategies for those moments ahead of time. Ensure your children hear and understand you by making eye contact, being clear and direct, and even asking for confirmation. Reinforce positive behavior and use logical consequences to teach important lessons.
Remember, the goal is not just to get your children to listen, but to teach them respectful and effective communication skills that will serve them throughout their lives. As you implement these strategies, you’ll find that not only do your children listen better, but your home becomes a more peaceful and joyful place for everyone.
If you’re looking for more detailed strategies and support, consider joining our 'Calm and Confident Club,' where we dive deeper into these topics to help you and your family thrive.
Author
Katy Bordeaux is a Certified Parenting & Family Coach and the founder of both Covenant Collections and Kingdom Purpose Moms. Passionate about guiding families to thrive, Katy combines biblical wisdom with practical parenting strategies to help parents build strong, faith-filled homes. Connect with her for more resources and support on your parenting journey.
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