The Spanking Debate: Christian Parents

This topic can be a bit touchy. In fact, many parenting certifications specifically warn coaches against taking any stance for or against physical discipline, so as not to offend anyone.

But where does that leave parents who genuinely want to follow the guidance of God and just don't fully understand it? 

I think #1- You have a right to know if your parenting mentor or coach has similar values as you, #2- This is often one of the greatest misconceptions from scripture, and you have a right to understand God's word as it applies to your parenting journey, and #3- You have a right to make a fully informed decision for your family, based on what is Biblically and research supported 

So I'm going to take a stance, support it, and stand behind it. I am fine with offending someone if I am able to help anyone. You are welcome to agree, disagree, take what is helpful to you and leave the rest, or reach out for further clarification and support if that is needed. I am here for you either way. 

First - God's word is very clear that discipline is a requirement. 

Proverbs 13:1 states "A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not respond to rebukes."

Proverbs 13:13, "Whoever scorns instruction will pay for it, but whoever respects a command is rewarded."

Proverbs 13:18, "Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored."

Proverbs 29:15, "A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother."

Proverbs 22:15, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away."

There are plenty more.

But let's talk about what God meant by that. I think there are a few scriptures that give us guidance here. 

Ezekiel 34:1-31, The Lord is extremely angry with the shepherds for the way they have taken care of their flocks. He criticizes them for not caring for the flock well, and putting themselves first. He corrects them for not strengthening the weak, healing the sick, and caring for the injured. AND He critiques them for "ruling harshly". He says that because they were ruled harshly and brutally, they were "scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals."

We know the Bible often speaks metaphorically. 

God goes on to say that because of this, God is against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for His flock.

The last verse of this chapter states, "You are my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign Lord."

I think it's safe to say when God speaks of sheep, he is often speaking of US. His people. That's not an assumption. He said it.  

We all can agree on that much, correct?

Isaiah 40:11 says "He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."

That's beautiful, isn't it? It's a promise that God is a shepherd to us. And that He cares for us very much, and is a gentle leader towards those that have young (That's us, parents).

The Bible has no shortage of reminders to avoid resorting to violence. Let's look at Proverbs 13: 2, "From the fruit of their lips people enjoy good things, but the unfaithful have an appetite for violence." Proverbs 13:3, "Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin."

The unfaithful = The violent

Those who speak rashly = Will come to ruin

We're only just getting started, but from what you've learned thus far.. 

Do you think God wants us to spank our kids or yell at them? 

I get it, I haven't even reached the verse that's so often used in support of physical discipline yet. I'll get there. Let's keep learning. 

Proverbs 13:24 - This is the one we've been waiting for, isn't it? 

"Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them." 

That's intense, and it's impactful. 

And it's true. 

No argument here. I agree that a person who does not discipline their children either doesn't care about them or to give benefit of the doubt, maybe is completely overwhelmed and has no idea where to begin. Maybe they even are trying so hard to be good parents that they get analysis paralysis and don't parent at all. It's hard to tell without speaking with them directly, but let's move on. 

What is a rod? 

It's a tool used by shepherd's. 

Well, what do they do with it? 

They use it to press gently against the animal's side and lead it in the direction they want it to go. They don't beat the sheep with it (and if they do, they face God's wrath as noted in Ezekiel). 

Let's go all in to the comparison here. 

Parents/Us = Shepherds

Sheep/Flock = Our children

Sparing the rod = Not disciplining 

Rod = A tool used by the shepherd to guide their flock

So why would sparing the rod mean you hate your child? 

If a shepherd didn't use the rod to guide their flock, the flock would roam aimlessly, of their own free will. They would walk off cliffs and get injured or die. They would starve to death. They would get lost. They would be attacked and mauled by wild animals. 

Any shepherd who actually cares for their flock would not allow any of those things to happen. And the only way to prevent those things from happening is to be there to guide and protect them and steer them onto the proper path. 

If we don't parent our children and instead leave them to their own free will.. if we do not discipline them to keep them on the proper path.. their fates become very similar to the unprotected sheep's fate. A parent who loves their child wouldn't allow this, would they?

The sheep may WANT to wander off into the wilderness. The sheep has no idea of the dangers that lurk outside the safety of their protected field with their protector and leader, the shepherd. Our children are MUCH the same. They think they know best, oftentimes. They have no idea. That's why it's our duty to protect and guide them. To discipline them, lead them, guide them. Whether they want us to or not. Whether they agree all the time or not. 

Punishing them physically, hitting them with the metaphorical rod, or berating them into submission were never recommended. So then why do so many parents misinterpret this and assume that's what is intended?

That's because society equates discipline with spanking, more often than not. 

Discipline is a whole variety of things that are used as corrective tools for guiding someone. Spanking and withholding and berating are punishments, not disciplines. 

God also warned parents against angering/exasperating their children multiple times in scripture.

Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

He is reinforcing that we are to raise them with the Lord's teachings without exasperating them- which essentially means deeply irritate and frustrate. 

And again in Colossians 3:21, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."

He WARNED us, multiple times not to use our manner of teaching and discipline to anger, irritate, frustrate or discourage our children. How do you think we make them feel when we spank or scream at them, and do so in the name of love and correction? Or much worse, do so in the name of God? Does that bring them closer to us, or closer to God? 

Absolutely not. It has the opposite effect. The undesired effect. Yet, it has the effect that benefits "worldy ways". It has an effect that ultimately benefits the enemy. That's why I believe God was so specific with us. Yet habit, generational norms and society have left us here, where Christian parents often make the wrong choice NOT out of disobedience to God but out of confusion and uncertainty.

God gives a spirit of wisdom and of patience. That feeling you get right before you react in anger and spank or scream- does that feel God-sent?

I urge you to practice the pause. Take a moment. Reflect and reconsider. Choose connection and correction. Choose discipline and guidance. Choose steering them to the correct path. Choose the way God truly instructed. 

I spent quite a bit of time in Proverbs, so let's close with Proverbs 13:10, "Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice."

If you're feeling defensive, that's your pride. Don't just listen to the random Christian parenting coach that says something different from what you have believed up until this point. Look up these scriptures yourself, and talk to God about them. Pray on them and self-reflect WITHOUT allowing your pride to interrupt. You found this for a reason.

You've got this. You'll make the right decision for your family, and God will be by your side every step of the way. 

If you need additional support, guidance, questions answered, or services - please feel free to contact us at [email protected]. We are here for you, without judgment. We will meet you where you are and take you where you want to be. 

With love,

Katy

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