Powerful Techniques for Establishing Effective Communication With Our Children

Powerful Techniques for Establishing Effective Communication With Our Children

Effective communication within the family is not just a tool for resolving conflicts or getting things done; it's the cornerstone of building strong bonds, nurturing lasting relationships, and promoting understanding, trust, and unity.

But why is it really important? What does it mean to them?

Our children, like each of us, have a deep need to feel truly cared for. They don't repeat "hey, mom, watch this" a hundred times a day just because they want you to see their "cool trick." Their true desire is for you to care about what matters to them – their words, thoughts, feelings, and actions.

This doesn't mean you always have to pretend to be interested in the same thing repeatedly... Still, it's crucial for us to understand their need for acknowledgment.

We are their favorite people. Of course, they want to share everything with us.

The first step to effective communication is grasping this and letting it reshape our internal (and then external) reactions.

Even if you're in the teenage season and feel like your problem is the opposite: A teen who seems uninterested in talking to you - the same principles will apply.

They all stem from: 

The Fundamental Need for Connection 

Our children, from infancy to adolescence, have an innate desire for connection and validation. They seek not only our attention but also our genuine interest in their thoughts, feelings, and actions. As parents, understanding this fundamental need is the first step to effective communication. 

Infancy: The Foundation of Communication 

As infants, they may not understand our words at first, but they thrive from our interactions and attention. They smile, coo, and giggle when they're pleased, and communicate their needs with cries. Communication is innate and natural. Their understanding of it begins before logic ever sets in. 

It's crucial from this young age onward not to disregard your child's communication. Whether we comprehend it or not, agree with it or not, enjoy it or not, they are learning every day whether they can rely on us to respond to their communication.. or not. Failing to do so can have long-term effects on the parent-child communication and the parent-child relationship. (The cry it out method is typically the earliest form of chipping away at this foundation. In short, it's bad advice. Trust your instincts, not your emotions.)

By responding promptly and attentively to their cues, we lay the groundwork for trust and attachment.   

Toddlerhood: Shaping Language and Bonds 

As toddlers begin to explore the world, their communication skills develop rapidly. They learn to connect words to actions, objects, and feelings. Responding to their pointing and naming objects not only builds their vocabulary but also strengthens their bond with us. When we acknowledge their needs and desires, we build their sense of trust and security. 

They learn they can count on us to bridge gaps in their comprehension and make sense of things, even if they can't articulate those feelings yet. 

Preschoolers: Patience and Active Listening 

Preschoolers are a joy to talk to as they acquire new words and let their imaginations run wild. Sometimes their minds work faster than their mouths, requiring our patience as we wait for them to finish a story. Being focused, interested, and engaged in their communication fosters a sense of connection and encourages them to share at their own pace.

Active listening reinforces their sense of importance and connection. 

School-Age Kids: Nurturing Openness 

As children grow, they become more independent and often begin to share more with friends. To maintain open communication, ask open-ended questions about their day and interests. Avoid critiquing their communication; instead, show genuine interest and curiosity. Avoid making it "their problem" if they don't share as much as you'd like them to. Maintain a child-like curiosity about their lives, thoughts, and feelings. Avoid treating them as older than they are and expecting communication skills and reasoning beyond their years. Use this time to teach conflict management skills and appropriate emotional reactions through your example.

  
These years are critical for establishing a positive communication experience for their teenage years. 

Adolescence: Fostering Empathy and Individuality 

During adolescence, children may become a bit more naturally self-focused and see themselves as entirely unique. It's essential to validate their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Validating does not require agreeing, but it does require understanding. Avoid pushing them away with insistence that you know better; instead, demonstrate empathy and acceptance. 

Don't force them to see the world the same way you do, and don't give up on maintaining a connection with their inner child. Giving up on the relationship and assuming it'll naturally return when they get older is a risk I wouldn't be willing to take. While they try their best not to show it sometimes, they need us now just as much as they always have. Maybe even more. 

Guided by Faith 

As Christian parents, it's important to be guided by faith in our communication with our children. Always remember they are God's children first and ours second. God offers patience to us, and we should protect and guide our children with love, understanding, and grace, rather than force or control.

The Bible provides valuable wisdom and guidance for effective communication.

James 1:19 tells us, “My dear brother and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should  be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” 

• Keep this in mind when it is challenging to remain patient and attentive, or when we struggle with our emotions while responding to behaviors.  

Ephesians 4:29 teaches us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  

• Consider this when you contemplate giving negative feedback to your children. Ask yourself: Is this comment constructive? Will it genuinely benefit them?

  For examples, let's take two examples of handling one scenario of a child who keeps leaving things out in the kitchen, and a gallon of milk has gone to waste this morning:

  "When you leave food or drinks out that need to go in the refrigerator, they have to be thrown away, and this is really wasteful. I need you to try your best to remember to put things back in the future." – Does this message benefit them? Yes, it does.

  In contrast, a comment like, "You always do this. You don't care about wasting our stuff because you don't have to buy it. You're so selfish." – Does this comment benefit them? No, it doesn't. It is not wholesome, helpful, or capable of building our child up. In this case, the response was driven by emotion rather than focusing on facts and improvement. If you find yourself feeling this way in the moment, take a pause and reflect before responding.

• This doesn't mean we should always bite our tongues and avoid correction. Discipline and guidance are significant parenting responsibilities, but they must be mindful and constructive.

Proverbs 18:13 advises us, "To answer before listening- that is folly and shame."

• Listening to understand is key in our relationship with our children.

Proverbs 18:2 reminds us, "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions."

• As parent's, let's avoid acting as fools and imposing our thoughts and opinions on our children. Instead, we should strive to understand our children's perspectives and experiences, fostering a more respectful, constructive, and open dialogue. 

Proverbs 12:18 encourages us that "the words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Similarly, Proverbs 12:25 tells us that "anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up."

• These verses emphasize the power of our words and the impact they can have on our children's emotional well-being.   

Incorporating these biblical principles into our communication with our children helps us build trust, understanding, and unity within the family. When we are guided by faith and practice patience, active listening, and kindness, we can create an environment where open and meaningful conversations thrive, which will allow strong family bonds and lasting connections to thrive as well.  

Overcoming Barriers to Effective Communication 

No matter how long we've been here, the world is new to our children. Every milestone opens new horizons, and we can be their coach, supporter, and example in communication and life. This is the legacy we want to leave them.

What are your biggest barriers to effective communication?

For most parents, it's behavior. While day-to-day communication is often manageable, dealing with disobedience or disrespect can be challenging.

One crucial thing to note, especially with younger kids, is that they may act out when they "know better" if they are craving attention. They have an attention "cup" that needs filling, and if we don't fill it with positive attention, they'll seek negative attention, even if it means misbehaving. This is done naturally and is not manipulation or intentional action. They do not enjoy getting in trouble or upsetting you, but the desire for your attention is there either way, and they may only know one way to get it if it is not being given freely. 

Ensure you fill their cup with positive attention by acknowledging their good behavior and your infinite love for them, which can reduce the need for negative attention. 

 Balancing Positive and Negative Feedback 

Balancing positive and negative feedback is essential for effective communication.

Increasing the positive-to-negative ratio can enhance performance and strengthen your relationship with your child. 

Harvard Business Review suggests a ratio of five positive comments for every negative one, as this positively affects performance. Of course, this study refers to leadership, but I strongly support utilizing effective leadership techniques and strategies into parenting. If you're interested, get on the waitlist for our (free-for-now!) Leadership Style Program Planner that will teach many strategies like this for transforming your parenting journey.

As parents, we will have to correct our children, and this typically will fall into the "negative comments" category. Increasing the positive-to-negative ratio can enhance performance, but it's not always easy. As Christian parents, the first step is to be guided by faith rather than by emotions.

Constructive criticism and discipline are essential but should be mindful and constructive, not emotional or punitive.   

Effective communication with your children is the cornerstone of building strong family bonds, and promoting understanding, trust, and unity. As parents, we have the power to shape our children's communication skills and emotional well-being for many years to come. 

If you strive to be led by faith and driven by love, you will have already overcome at least half of the battle. 

 Because I believe anyone reading (or listening) to this is clearly someone who prioritizes their parent-child bond, I have a special offer for you. 

The Ultimate Parent-Child Bonding Journal is a newly-released, free for a limited-time resource that you don't want to miss out on if you're looking to deepen your connection with your child in a meaningful, faith-aligned way? 

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• Building Strong Family Foundations.
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But the best part is that it's free for a limited time as we collect valuable feedback on its impact. Don't miss out on this opportunity to strengthen your bond with your child.

Claim your copy of The Ultimate Parent-Child Bonding Journal today at covenantcollections.com/bonding ! 

Love,

Katy

References 

Zenger, J. & Folkman, J. (2013). The Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio. The Harvard Business Review.